Archives for December 2013

The Truth will Set you Free, but…

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 24 2

the truth will set you free

Truth sets you free, but first it’s going to piss you off!

Jesus was the first to say this very often quoted line in John 8:31-32 – 31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

In this context, Jesus was speaking to believing Jews and was telling them that he was the source of Truth and not their traditions passed down through Abraham. This truth that Jesus possessed and shared with them would set them free. Free from the consequences and slavery to sin because through Jesus to those who believed in Him, the power of sin was broken.

This verse is used many times in modern days without reference to the truth of Jesus, but to other things. Truth in many instances is the beginning of freedom. Many times you have to face the facts before you can move away from uneasy or downright nasty situations.

the truth will set you free

Next stop Truth followed by Freedom

My favorite variation of this quote was given to me by a counselor. She would say; “The truth will set you free, but first it’s going to piss you off.” Maybe a bit crude, but spot on!

When confronted with truth, we come to a point of decision; accept it or deny it. When we deny it, we simply disregard it straight out of hand. “That can’t be true” or “I think you are wrong” are a few of the short responses we say without giving it some time to consider. It may be that we won’t consider it, but most of the time we recognized the bit of truth. It simply hurts us to much to ponder it deeper and we blow it off.

On the other hand, we could recognize that nugget of truth and give it some thought. Sure, the truth is at times hard to handle and will piss you off, but once that is overcome we can move towards the freedom. Our thoughts may look something like; “Maybe she is right” or “I didn’t know that I made him feel that way”

The anger part comes in when we feel awful for what we have done and how we hurt others in our life. The anger also comes because no one likes to feel attacked and confronted. The truth has a way of being confrontational and challenging our egos. We want to fight back and defend ourselves, mostly this is a primal reaction. Truth hurts sometimes.

Looking at this through the lens of porn addiction and our lives, the truth will indeed piss off both parties! You are the spouse that finds your husband’s internet history includes frequent visits to a porn site. The initial reaction to this truth is anger! “Why is he spending hours on porn sites?” “Am I not good enough for him?” “Does he find me unattractive?”

Now on the other side of this situation is the husband who looks at porn and is confronted by his wife. She has evidence of your visits to porn sites and confronts him about it. This is a hard truth to admit to! In fact it is gonna get him angry! When confronted with the hurt he has caused her and the sin in his own life, it will make him defensive and anger will swell. Some of his thoughts may be some of these: “How could I be so stupid?” “What the heck is the matter with me?” “She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.” “I know that what I’ve done is wrong, but I can’t stop.”

Truth hurts on both sides of the equation. It’s going to piss you off! When you are the one who has to confront someone with painful truth, do it in love. Confronting someone in love is doing it for their own good and not out of any self-serving interests. If you approach the situation with the attitude of “I’m going to really give it to him, what a hypocrite he is and he needs to be taken down a few notches.” Or “I have every right to let him have it because of what he has done to me.” Those are not speaking the truth in love. If you have this in mind; “Man, this really hurts, but he needs to know, I don’t want him to continue to live defeated by sin.”

When you are on the receiving end of the truth, try to control your anger and look at this as an opportunity to admit to the things you have done. The other person may not be 100% true or they are and you are not ready to admit to it. Truth will only set you free when you acknowledge it and then take to heart what it is trying to teach you.

Truth sets you free when a hidden thing is out in the open and exposed to the light. Sin grows in the darkness and makes you it’s slave. You do not realize the power it has over you until you expose it and experience freedom! This may sound foreign and crazy, but I know first-hand how admitting sin and exposing it will kill it and set you free.

Give this a try and tell me if I’m not right. Admit to something you have been hiding from everyone. It doesn’t have to be a huge sin to start, but acknowledge you’ve been hiding from the truth about yourself and need to tell someone. Get it out in the open with a good friend, pastor or counselor. Freedom will come to you over this!

I want to hear your stories of being set free by the truth. Tell your story in the comment section below or hit my contact page. Get it off your chest here to a group of non-judgmental people who will treat you with love.

Evidence of Her Husband’s Porn Stash

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 8 4

evidence husband porn stash

Reader Question regarding her husband’s Porn Stash on his device.

Mary asks if his stash of images and videos is on his personal Sansa media device.

I have found tons of evidence of porn watching and voyeurism from myhusband. This has been going on for years, I have decided to leave himbut before I do I want to show him everything I found. I asked to seehis Sansa Fuzzy because I found out he had one. He says there is onlymusic and no porn or pictures. The memory card is missing and I wouldbet my life he down loaded on it and hid the card. AM I RIGHT? Itonly had music on there but I know he still is watching it. ~Mary

Mary, I think that his secrecy and protection of his Sansa device may indicate he is using it to watch porn. I understand privacy and all, but anyone who hides or is overprotective of their iPod, cell phone or other device from their spouse is probably hiding something.

I’m guessing that the memory card is what the movies are stored on and the Sansa won’t work without it. He is clever in hiding the memory card, but whatcomputer is he using to download the movies from onto the card? If you need concrete proof, find that computer.

You say you have decided to leave him and want to show him everything you havefound. It sounds like his Sansa is one piece of evidence you have against him. Does he think that you don’t know about his porn watching? Has he been denying it all these years and now you have the evidence to confront him with?

I can see your point in the evidence gathering. You don’t want to be wrong inyour confrontation with him. When I suspected my wife was cheating on me I gathered some evidence from the computer and showed her. She had denied any wrong doing and the evidence I had was a bit sketchy. It was enough to confirm she was at least chatting with another man.

The evidence didn’t hold up and she was very angry at my spying on her to get that information. I believe she still holds that against me. Some good advice I received and will pass along to anyone reading this is that you shouldn’t spy or gather evidence until you decide what you are going to do oneway or the other. I knew she was chatting with another guy, but it burned me up inside because I couldn’t tell for sure one way or another if she was having an affair.

If he is using porn, what will you do with that information? Confront him andthen leave him? Help him enroll in a treatment program? If it’s not porn then why did you have your suspicions? Are you generally insecure or is he not trustworthy?

Mary, this doesn’t sound good for your relationship. I hope you have made theright decision. Good luck

I am totally Addicted to Porn

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 1 13

addicted to porn

Reader Question; I am totally addicted to Porn. How do I Defeat triggers that lead me to watch porn?

I now feel like I can’t stop. I am totally addicted. I try to stop but my triggers for watching porn are too strong. I like to watch movies and surf the internet. Every time I see something that’s sexual, it triggers me to watch porn. I try to stop but at that moment my addiction becomes too strong. I am trying to overcome my triggers. I really enjoy watching movies so I can’t give that up, but I have a weakness. I have been able to overcome having sexual thoughts but I can’t control myself once I see sexual content. If it’s a popup for an adult site, I have thought before of just closing it, but instead I spend a minute viewing it rather than closing it like i do with other popups. If I see an attractive woman, I keep watching… internet only and this makes me think of watching porn and masturbating. And I do it even though I tell myself that I must not. Anyway I need to defeat my trigger that only comes from the internet and movies. I am dependent on the internet and movies, so I can’t give them up. But if I defeat my triggers, then I won’t watch porn, because I never just decide to watch porn, I always and triggered by sexual content to go view it. It’s terrible, and i can’t stop, been this way for years now. ~Jacob

Thanks for writing in Jacob. I can totally relate to your question as I know what you are going through. There was a time in my life when I would do the exact same thing with a trigger.

I like to relate a trigger to hitting the passing gear in your car. The next time you merge onto the highway or try to speed up and pass someone, notice what happens when you mash down the gas pedal. Stepping on the gas to pass someone does two things; it revs up the motor and drops the car into a lower gear. The combination of both of these things propels the car forward much faster than if you just gave it more gas.

A trigger will change gears in your mind and push your forward very quickly! This other gear is the one you use for lust which leads to masturbation. How do you avoid dropping into the lust gear?

When you encounter a trigger you must not let yourself switch to the lust gear. That gear is another thought pattern that you have developed over time. You’ve programmed yourself to see an attractive woman, and then you mash the gas pedal until your done taking care of yourself.

Lift off the gas! Once you see an attractive woman, you have a few seconds to decide what your next move is. At least for me it went like this; “oh, wow she looks fine and check out those @li$%&!” “I bet it would be a blast to… man, I wonder if I can find that scenario online..” Then I would be search the net for a porn site. After a while, I noticed that I was giving in to the slightest trigger and taking it all the way to using porn.

After seeing a well-built woman, I had about 3 seconds to decide what my next move was. I bet you have about the same amount of time to either mash down the gas pedal or lift off the gas.

Instead of mindlessly following your urges to mash down the gas, you must consciously put a stop to letting your mind go there. What I would do was get up and take a walk or hit the off button on the TV or computer. Take that thought captive and consider what you were thinking about doing. Get yourself out of that situation and into a new setting. If you make a habit of doing this, it gets easier each time and eventually attractive women will not cause this reaction. The key here is to use that 3 second pause and get your mind onto another subject and leave the room. Changing the subject in your mind is tough, but it must be practiced to win this battle.

Avoiding your triggers is another thing that will help. I only say this because the more often you act out, the deeper that behavior becomes burned into you. It is unrealistic to think avoiding your triggers alone will help, because sooner or later you will run into one and if you haven’t learned how to deal with them you will lose!

Part of getting out of the rut is to stop doing the same things that lead you there in the first place. Stop spending so much time watching movies and surfing the net! You say you are dependent on movies and the internet, but there are many forms of entertainment out there.

One of the things that helped me was to redirect my passion into a hobby. I took up remote controlled cars again like I had as a boy. It was exciting and gratifying to read about the latest technology and take a trip to the hobby shop. Jacob, let me know how these things work for you.

If anyone else has other suggestions for Jacob, please leave a comment below.