Men: Your Porn Usage is Destroying Your Wife

Wives view of porn

Men, let’s be blunt; when you’re done delving into a world full of instant self-gratification, your wife is crying while scrolling through your Internet browser history. Of course, you’re wondering why your wife is so upset over a picture. After all, it’s not like you grabbed a girl from a bar and took her to a shady motel to enjoy a night full of casual sex. You were masturbating, and simply using your favorite porn site as an instrumental tool in helping you achieve an orgasm. Perhaps if your wife was more interested in satisfying you sexually, you could find the time to set those pictures aside and engage in intimacy with her.

It’s More Than Just a Picture

If you were scrolling through a porn site to find the one video that’s going to get you in the mood, and you stumbled across a video or a picture of your wife pleasuring herself; it wouldn’t sit well with you. It’s likely that you’re going to question the very foundation that your relationship is based on. How could she exploit her body? Better yet, how could you be angry with her for being the visual provider when you have no problem being the visual consumer? After all, it’s just a picture of her. That very justification should blow a hole through your logic. If you knew your wife felt betrayed by you looking at pornography, you shouldn’t do it. Just like if you knew your wife would feel betrayed by you sleeping with another woman; you wouldn’t do it.

You’re Bringing Another Woman Into Your Bed

When your wife is aware of your pornography addiction, she feels as if you have brought another woman into the bed you share as husband and wife. Women need to feel an emotional connection during intercourse, and that’s not easy to accomplish when your wife is inundated with insecurities and thoughts of you fantasizing about the last girl you watched roll around in the nude during your Internet porn quest in the bathroom.

You’re Making Her Feel Ugly

It’s your job to make your wife feel like the sexiest woman in the world. When you’re seeking out images of other naked women, it destroys your wife’s confidence. Humans are competitive by nature, and if your wife feels that you think there’s something better out there than her, she’s going to start to criticize her own body. Even if it’s just a visual thing, and you’re not going bananas over the body of the woman in the porn you’re viewing, it doesn’t matter. Your wife takes it as a direct blow to her self-esteem. When you exchanged vows, you made a commitment to your wife. That commitment involves not lusting after other women. It’s only natural for her to feel as if she’s been cheated on. In all honesty, if you found naked videos of her like we mentioned above, you’d feel as though she cheated on you. It doesn’t matter which end of the spectrum you’re on. If you’re on the porn spectrum at all, you’re wrong.

She Knows You Better

If you think, for one minute, that your angry reaction to your wife’s questions and accusations is justified, you’re mistaken. You feel riddled with guilt. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this. You know that your wife’s heart-broken questions derive from her intuition. It angers you that she knows what you’re thinking and searching for, and you don’t want to face it. The best thing you can do for your porn addiction is to open yourself up, admit it to your wife, offer gut-wrenching honesty, and wear that guilt like a badge. You will never overcome this without allowing yourself to feel the guilt and shame. That guilt or shame will provide you with the motivation you need to show your wife the remorse and apology she deserves while teaching you a valuable lesson. You need to feel how wrong it is, or you’ll never get past it.

Pornography is a Drug

pornography is a drug

 Pornography is a Drug

This video, produced by fight the new drug sums up how pornography acts on our bodies the same way that drugs do.   Give it a watch and understand why we need to fight against pornography and keep it out our homes, out of our computers and off our television.  If you have not had a good reason to install an internet filter on your computer, (like covenant eyes) this should persuade you.  You do not want your children falling into pornography addiction like I did and so many others are daily, right now.

Why there IS such thing as sex addiction, a rebuttal to Dr David Ley

sex addiction

Why I believe Sex Addiction is REAL

I just finished and article published in the Telegraph by Dr David Ley titled “Why there’s no such thing as sex addiction”. I must disagree with his article, since I believe that sex addiction exists.

The main points he makes to back up this statement are.

  • It isn’t an illness, it’s a weakness – there is no evidence sex addiction is a valid psychiatric disorder.  It hasn’t been recognized as a bona fide disease by the mental health profession
  • Sex addiction is wrongly applied the same characteristics of drug and alcohol addiction. He doesn’t believe there are any ill effects on the body, nor withdrawal symptoms.
  • He doesn’t believe that men can get lost to the powers of internet porn.  He says that there is no evidence of harm it does or we would be awash in sex crimes and public sexual displays.  Since addicts can function at a high level there is no evidence of addiction.  Phil Varone of Skid Row never considered himself an addict to sex because he functioned so highly and it didn’t mess up his life.
  • Sex addiction is a product of social and religious institutions that portray sexual desire as something destructive and weakening and men must rein it in.  These institutions have labeled sex as evil.  Sex is healthy and good for you; more sex equals healthier, happier people.
  • People use the label of sex addiction to shirk responsibility for their actions.  The real reason is the bad choices they make.

 

Let’s deal with his statements one by one; you may be surprised at my point of view.

Dr Ley says that sex addiction isn’t an illness, it’s a weakness.  First off, I think it is funny that he keeps labeling this as sex addiction while stating there is no such thing.  He should come up with another term to label this weakness so that we won’t get his point of view confused.  On this point I have to agree with him.  Shocking as it may be I don’t think sex addiction is a disease.  Just like I don’t believe that drug and alcohol abuse are diseases.  In my very un-clinical mind a disease is an illness that you contract by either contact with another person or genetically.  You cannot catch alcoholism, drug abuse or sex addiction.  You are not born into them, nor do you have symptoms of them without bringing it on yourself.  I’m not sure where the disease label originated from, but I disagree with it.  You can have the tendency to like alcohol or pornography and drugs, but diving into these doesn’t happen without you first giving into the temptation after making some poor decisions.  We are not robotic in this sense.

Next he goes on to say that sex addiction is wrongly applied the same characteristics as drug and alcohol abuse, mainly because there are no ill effects on the body or withdrawal symptoms.  On this statement I have to disagree.  Too much sex or pornography does indeed have ill effects on the body.  I won’t give you all the details, but you can read my account on how pornography made me sick.  It wasn’t until I gave up porn that I began to recover from the mysterious illness that plagued me.  I’m not certain, but I believe it had something to do with the adrenal system.  How can he say for certain that too much sex is not bad for the body?  At what level is it considered too much?

 

To say there are no withdrawal symptoms with sex addiction is another unfounded statement.  There were many times that I decided to quit pornography and went through withdrawal.  It consumed me to the point I could not function.  There was no concentration or rest.  The urges would only go away after I would indulge in porn.  Don’t just take my word for it, read the testimonies of other sex/porn addicts.  Read Kastleman’s book on the brain science behind internet pornography use.

Dr Ley does not believe that men can get lost in the power of porn.  The quote by Skid Row’s drummer backs up his statement.  Do all addicts lose their functionality and mess up their lives…of course not.  Some are able to lead (on the outside) normal functioning lives.  They are able to compartmentalize their addiction from the rest of their lives.  Others are not so lucky and lose everything.  Dr Ley fails to realize the internal harm that wreaks havoc on the addict.  The guilt, shame and feelings of worthlessness as a result of the addiction may not always appear on the outside.  The truth is that porn is like the siren calling to you day and night to come in and visit her.  There is a pull that appeals to our sexual natures, our need for escape and the physical feeling of euphoria.  The call is there around every corner for the addict.

He also feels sex has been given a bad rap by social and religious organizations that have deemed sex to be destructive, weakening and evil.  These stigmas on sex then make those who have active sex drives to think something is wrong with them and they are addicts.  Lots of sex is good for you.  In this statement I think he has twisted the view by social and religious organizations.  Free sex and promiscuity are deemed destructive, sex without a boundary is destructive, not sex itself.  Sex within the boundary of a marriage is responsible and healthy.  Lots of sex within a marriage is very healthy.

The last point he makes seems to be the crux of his whole article.  Dr Ley feels that sex addicts use the label to escape responsibility for their actions when it is their choices that have gotten them into trouble.  I say right on!  People like to blame someone or something for their bad behavior.  Blaming sexual addiction and then checking into rehab somehow makes everyone feel OK about it, like it’s not their fault.  I say it is their fault and they are addicted.

I don’t believe being addicted to sex or porn and it being your own fault are exclusive of each other.  You are an addict and it is your fault!  This takes us back to the point where sex addiction is labeled as a disease.  A disease label seems to absolve the afflicted from responsibility.  I think this is the whole hang-up Dr Ley has with using the label Sex Addiction.  He firmly believes (as I do) that the person makes bad decisions and is fully responsible for their own actions.  They are not victims to a disease.  They are just people who succumb to a weakness or temptation that has taken them farther than they imagined they would go.

What do you think?  Please leave your comments below.

Other Posts you may find helpful:

The Signs of Pornography Addiction

Side Effects of Using Porn: Caution

Confessions of a Sex Addict

Porn Almost Killed Me

Porn Almost Killed me

How porn slowly made me ill.

 

Starting in my teen years I developed this strange recurring illness that no one could figure out.  Every month to two months, like clockwork I would get sick.  My illness would start out as a sore throat with severe tiredness then I would come down with a fever.  These episodes would last a few days and only went away when I slept them off.

My parents and I were concerned, did I have a disease?  I went to my internist until he exhausted his resources.  He sent me to cardiology, ENT and even infectious disease.  They all found nothing!

This illness was not in my head as a few people had suggested!  I just accepted the fact that I would be sick the rest of my life and there was nothing that could be done.  Boy was I really discouraged.

I only saw relief from my sickness when I quit using porn!  Looking back on the whole sickness period of my life, there was only one constant involved along the way and that was my using porn.

I have researched this to see if I could find any evidence that these two issues were related.  Here is what I have found out.

  • Pornography usage is very similar to drug usage in that it causes ‘feel good’ substances to be released in your body.  This fact is one of the biggest reasons why people become addicted.
  • Dopamine is one of those chemicals release in your body that is associated with pleasure.  These are release when doing drugs or pornography.
  • Too much dopamine released into your body can cause a weakening of the immune system.
  • Too much dopamine decreases the amount of serotonin in your body which is critical to sleep cycles.  Lack of sleep wreaks havoc on your immune system.
  • A weakened immune system allows you to get sick.

I firmly believed that pornography almost killed me.  I was getting sicker and sicker and no one could diagnose me.

Now I only get sick whenever something is going around.

Life without porn is better!

Escaping pain through porn

Escaping Pain Through Porn

Numbing the pain using porn as a drug.

I was just reminded this past weekend why some people turn to drugs, alcohol and pornography – to escape pain.  As humans we do everything we can to avoid pain.  It’s one of our instincts.

If we have a headache, we take aspirin or Tylenol.  If we are suffering with a cold we take various cold medicines.  When something inflicts pain we flinch and pull away.  How about when situations from the past or our current life cause pain?  Don’t we want to avoid that emotional or relational pain as well?

Avoiding emotional and relational pain from the past or in our current life is an instinct.  What we do to avoid this pain and cope with it is where we can get into trouble.  Sometimes these situations we are trying to cope with are out of our control and we don’t know how to process them or what to do.

Instead of dealing with the problems we tend to want to forget about them and avoid them.  Using pornography provides this escape and makes us feel good.  We tend to go from feeling pain, to avoiding pain to seeking pleasure.

Indulging in these pleasures makes the pain go away temporarily, and really compounds the pain in the end.  You know the list of consequences that go along with using pornography, but we don’t think of that when we are indulging.  It feels good so we just do it and have to keep doing it to maintain the pleasure and avoid the pain.  Pretty soon we have an addiction.

Breaking these addictions is necessary, but don’t forget about the underlying pain that you were avoiding in the first place.  Dealing with that pain is essential to staying addiction free.  If you don’t deal with the pain, you will fall right back into your addiction.

Seek professional help to pinpoint those sources of pain in your life.  They will help you clarify what is causing your pain and they will walk you through dealing with them instead of avoidance.

There is a saying “The only way out is through”.  Working your way out of addiction and pain will be tough, but it is necessary to achieve the freedom you want.  Freedom from addiction.  Freedom from trauma in the past.  Freedom from current life situations.

Porn is warping a generation of men

Fascinatingly honest article from the New York Post on the younger generation of men.

  • They grew up with internet pornography easily accessible anytime
  • Many learned all they know about sex from pornography (sad)
  • These men think their partners need to act like the women in pornography (very sad)
  • Sex to them is physical and all about them; no intimacy involved

Read the article here and follow the comments. I think the brutal honesty and facts presented in this article are not easily found in most articles written about pornography and it’s effects.

How can we return sex to how it was intended and not the way portrayed in pornography?  What ways can we protect our own children from falling into the trap of pornography and getting their view of sexuality warped?

Comments welcomed below.