Most of the headlines I read whether in published article or blog post seem to claim that pornography is a new addiction.  This new discovery has come to light and many addiction treatment centers and programs are established daily.

I applaud the press that it is finally getting.  Addicts can finally know they are not alone in this fight.  Parents are more aware of the dangers of Pornography and an unfiltered internet connection.  The faith community is finally acknowledging that their own members are involved.  Resources that help diagnose and treat are easier to find.

Pornography addiction is not new, it is just becoming more widespread.  The ease of accessibility had caused it to grow exponentially.  Early in my own addiction, the internet didn’t exist.  I fed my own addiction with printed material and VHS cassettes.  My addiction really increased it’s hold on me when the internet came into existence.

So while the internet has increased the numbers of addicts, It has also brought tons more information and resources for healing as well.  Talk about a double edged sword!

Is the internet all to blame?  No.  This addiction has been around way before the internet.  The internet has just increased the speed at which information is published.  It even changes the culture at a faster rate as well.   It’s like a quote I’ve heard – “A lie is halfway around the world before truth even gets his boots on.”

Truth is finally catching up!

As we bid farewell to 2011, we all like to look back on the year and highlight what events, people and things most influenced us during the year.

I want to share with you some of my most favorite videos of 2011.  These videos are well done and provide very useful information regarding pornography usage and addiction to pornography.  I think they are a fair representation of the anti pornography issues.

Becoming an anti-porn activist is a nicely done roundtable discussion that shows what you can do to oppose pornography in your world.  It features some guests that are already activists and they give you some great insight.  Check it out.

Becoming an Anti-Porn Activist from Covenant Eyes on Vimeo.

My next favorite video is a first hand testimony of a man named Jon.  Jon shares his first exposure to pornography, it’s effects that it had on his life, and how he quit using porn.  I could truly relate to much of what Jon relayed via this video.  Very Powerful.  Watch here.

This last video was produced by ex porn actress Shelly Lubben.  Her foundation, ThePinkCross.org helps porn actors and actresses get out of the business and heal the pain left behind.  As a recovering addict, I was shocked at the scenes here.  Watch here.

The holiday season is the time of the year when we let out guards down and indulge in many things we might say no to most other times.  This time of the year we tend to say ‘why not’ instead of ‘no thanks’.  Food and drink are the most common indulgences we allow ourselves, but another unspoken one is pornography.

We tend to indulge in pornography for different reasons, but here are some of the most common:

• Opportunity – Most of us take time off around the holidays and this breaks our normal routines of sleeping and waking.  The opportunity presents itself for some late night or mid day sessions with the pornography.
• Need for escape – The holiday season is fast paced and fun-filled.  Sometimes we need to take a break from it all and escape into the fantasy world.
• Loneliness – For those who have no significant other or family to be with, the intimacy of pornography is what we turn to, to try and make us feel better.

The worst thing is that it doesn’t make us feel better and alleviate the pain or boredom; pornography only compounds our ill feelings and brings us down.  Instead of going on a pornography binge for the holidays, here are a few tips to help you not fall into that trap.

• Keep your normal schedule – Go to bed and wake up close to your regular schedule.  Don’t be seduced by late night movies or internet surfing, especially when everyone else has gone to bed.  Go to bed when the rest of the family does!
• Unplug from the holiday madness – Get away with your spouse for a quiet lunch.  Don’t go to every holiday party you are invited to, causing holiday burn out.  Go for a walk in the park and experience the chilly air, wildlife and solitude.  Go to church and connect with the true meaning of Christmas.
• Don’t spend the holidays alone – Invite friends or family over. Go volunteer somewhere such as a shelter, ring the Salvation Army bell, or at the local food bank.  Get out of the house and go to where people are and you can have human interaction.
• Make sure your internet is guarded by a good accountability software package.

May you have a blessed holiday season filled with true joy, peace and love.

I was always a curious kid who wanted to learn and explore.  One day while my friend and I were poking around in my garage, we found a calendar with a topless woman on it.  We quickly sneaked it out of the garage to someplace we could admire it without being caught.  I still remember the excitement that calendar lit up inside me.  From then on, I was on the prowl for anything similar that I could get my hands on.

Those things that I later found came in the form of a Jacques Cousteau book (sad to admit) and then a treasure trove of Playboy magazines in my basement.  At those times, I’m not sure what was more exciting, the pictures or the thrill of doing something wrong and trying not to get caught!

All the guilt eventually caught up with me and I asked my mom about the magazines and if Dad was still and ‘alright’ guy for having them.  Man, was I ever a hypocrite.  After a while, my Dad threw away his stash and guess who scooped up a bunch for his own collection…me of course!

I also remember buying single naked pictures from my friend for a buck a piece.  He would rip them out of his dad’s large collection and sell them to me and my friend.  I remember buying as many as he would sell.  He was very cautious and hesitant and eventually stopped selling them due to getting caught.

My own stash was stored in a few different places over the years.  I never put them under the mattress, that was such an amateur move!  At first, I would hide them under the carpet inside my closet.  It was perfect cause I would move stuff over top and no one would know.  I even cleared out half the closet so I could sit in there with my flashlight and look at my pictures. At other times I would hide my magazines in a bunch of auto show literature.

Those were the early days of my pornography addiction.  That first taste lit a desire within me that really took over me for about 20 years.  Why do I relay this story?  Well, a lot of it has to do with remembering this stuff today while I mowed the lawn.  The other reason is that I want to show you where I have been and to let you know that you are not much different than me.  Another thing – Do all you can to keep your kids away from pornography!  They eventually will come in contact with it, but make it much later in life after they learn about what real love is and how to treat a woman.

Please share your story with us… How did you get exposed to pornography?  What did that do to you?

Last time we explored the different types of affairs and analyzed whether or not they were cheating.  I made the point that since the actions of the one made the other feel hurt and betrayed they were considered cheating.  Does the classification of actual cheating depend solely on the way the offended spouse’s feelings and reactions?

Whenever we think of cheating we generally consider the act to be mainly physical.  When someone says that he cheated on her, they usually mean he had sex with another woman.  That phrase is generally interpreted in the same way.

I think we could all agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse is indeed cheating.  Sex is the most intimate way that we humans can connect with each other.  There is an actual bonding at levels beyond just the physical.  There is an emotional and spiritual connection made.  When you have sex with someone you are giving yourself to them in the most vulnerable way humanly possible.  The exchange between the couple is physical, emotional and spiritual.

Let’s bring pornography up as it relates to having sex with someone.  Pornography does not connect you physically with someone, but it does connect you emotionally and spiritually.

Every image gets seared into your mind.  The physical pleasure along with gratifying images makes them so hard to forget.  You loose your ability to emotionally connect with real people.  There are no emotions shared with pornography.  It is one sided where the person engaged in watching it will ‘treat’ the person in the video any way they please.  This treatment is many times abusive and objective.  This one way emotional exchange disconnects the user from interactions with real people.

The spiritual side of using pornography is one of the scariest.  I don’t know whether you give away some of your spirit or take on some dark spirit while using pornography.  I tend to lean towards taking on some evil spirits because it will start to change you.  Pornography is a dark world.  You enter in through enticing seemingly harmless images, but get dragged down into a dark place that will change you.  Anyhow, I hope you can see the reason I view pornography as cheating without even delving into the feelings of the spouse.

If you don’t have sexual relations outside of your marriage, but have real close intimate friendships with the opposite sex you are cheating.  I know that you might disagree with that statement, but hear me out.

Marriage bonds a couple together not only physically in sex, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  Yes the act of sex bonds in the same ways, but there is power in the bond of marriage.

God said that the two will become one when He speaks about marriage.  He was not just speaking about sex.  Believe it or not, God views a husband and wife as one, a unit.  You know the phrase – “My better half”.  There is a magical joining of the two in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

If a spouse seeks to emotionally join themselves to another person through relational intimacy, they are breaking one of the bonds of a marriage.  Our spouses were meant to be our closest companion on earth with whom we can share anything.  An emotional affair breaks that bond in the marriage and bonds with another.

I know what you may say – That’s just emotional, there is no spiritual and physical connection.  How many emotional affairs wind up turning into physical affairs?  I don’t know the statistics, but I would bet it is high.  If emotional affairs are not stopped, the natural progression is into sexual relations.

Now I realized that I did not yet touch on the feelings of hurt and betrayal experienced by the spouse of someone into pornography or having an emotional affair.  If you felt betrayed and hurt, does it matter what excuses or rational is used to explain to you that they did not actually cheat on you?  Does the technical definition of cheating sway your feelings?

In my case, you could have told me that my wife was not actually cheating.  I mean, she wasn’t sleeping with this other guy.  She was however having private conversations with someone I didn’t know.  It made me feel threatened, betrayed and hurt.  It did not matter one bit if she came out and said ‘But we are not sleeping together’.

The trust was broken.  Our bond of marriage was weakened.  She had attempted to give herself emotionally to another person instead of me.

What it boils down to is your relationship with your spouse.  If you love them, you would not want to hurt them, even unintentionally.  If anything you did was offensive to your spouse, love would make you want to stop those actions even if you felt you did nothing wrong.  My wife does love me because she stopped communications with this other man and was seriously sorry about it.

Maybe the real test of whether it is an affair or not is the impact it has on the bond of marriage.  If it does not weaken any of the bonds of marriage, then it is not cheating.  If the actions damage or seek to weaken any of the marriage bonds, then it is an affair.

In my last post I started to address the issue of cheating on your spouse versus using pornography.  As I learned of alleged cheating of my wife, I recalled the time when I was viewing pornography.  She was hurt when she learned of this as I was of her.  Can the two be reasonably compared as one in the same?  I think we need to take a look at each one specifically.

Let’s first analyze the viewing of pornography.  Is viewing pornography cheating?  The person who is engaged in watching pornography will usually sneak away, view the material, and then sexually gratify himself.

The man in this example knows his wife would not approve of this behavior, so he finds a window of opportunity to be alone.  He will always destroy the evidence of his deed by hiding the materials and history.  The part where he sexually gratifies himself while looking at another woman would not sit well with his wife either.

Is this cheating?  In the man’s eyes he is only using this material to relieve tension or to escape the daily grind.  He still loves his wife and family and he is not actually involved with anyone else.  To the wife, this man does not find her attractive enough and does not long for her.  She is hurt that he seeks the intimacy of sex with strange women even if they are only in his make believe world and the intimacy is a lie.  He thinks this is normal behavior for a man, but she would feel betrayed and hurt if she found out.

Emotional cheating is when one spouse seeks out the confidence and close friendship of someone of the opposite sex.  This friendship may be known by the spouse, but they do not know the extent of the relationship.  Most of the time however, the spouse does not even know of this relationship.

The example of an emotional affair involves a woman who recently found an old friend on Facebook.  At first the woman and this man exchange a few messages over Facebook to catch up on life.  They then exchange email addresses and phone numbers and wind up talking to each other more frequently.  The woman likes this guy because he listens to her, pays her compliments and is generally upbeat.  They both wind up sharing personal struggles about their marriages and meet for coffee; all the while their spouses do not know about the relationship.

In the wife’s eyes, this guy is a good friend who provides an escape from the reality of life.  He doesn’t remind her of the bills to pay or housework to be done.  She really enjoys talking and spending time with him.  She still loves her husband, but finds a piece of her heart going out to the other guy.  The husband of this wife would not like the fact that his wife is covertly talking and meeting up with this other man.  His wife is not having sex with the other guy, but she is emotionally attached and sharing personal things that should only be reserved for her husband.

In both examples I try to show you the point of view from each person in the marriage.  We could argue the specifics on whether each situation is technically cheating.  She didn’t actually sleep with the other guy or he didn’t have sex with a real person, but does that matter if the spouse feels betrayed?  In my opinion, No.

I could argue all the day long that my viewing of pornography was not physical with anyone real.  Those women only helped me to achieve the end result which was sexual gratification.  Would that matter to my wife who feels hurt, betrayed and unattractive?  No.  I hurt her with my actions whether or not they were technically cheating and she feels cheated on.

How about the husband who learns of his wife’s sneaking around with this friend of the opposite sex?  She could argue up and down that he is only a friend, they never had sex, and the only reason she kept it from him was because she didn’t want him to be jealous over a friendship.  Do these arguments matter to the husband who feels hurt, betrayed and ineffective at meeting his wife’s needs?  No.  She hurt him with her actions and even though she did not technically cheat on him he feels cheated on.

Now am I saying that whether or not this is classified as cheating all depends on the feelings and reactions of the offended spouse?  We will explore that in our next post.

In the meantime, please feel free to leave your comments below.  I will respond personally to any questions or opinions you have on the matter.  I want to know your thoughts!!

I woke up this morning and this question literally popped into my head.  Maybe it was due in part to the dream I had plus the situation that has come to light in my own life.  Anyway I seek to answer it for myself and for you the reader.

Is she cheating?

Why has this question come up?  Lately, I have come to learn that my wife has been flirting online with another man.  It has been by email and chatting on the computer for sure, maybe only online cheating.  I don’t know whether they have met in person as the emails question, but he does live awfully close. I honestly don’t know how far they have gone.

Why is my wife having an affair?

The discovery of this has hurt me deeply.  I feel betrayed, inadequate and angry.  Why is she seeking to go outside of our marriage?  What am I not doing for her that she seeks to get elsewhere?  Is it physical dissatisfaction?  Is it an emotional affair where she is trying to fill some deficit?  Perhaps it is for the excitement and the escape from life.

I don’t have any answers to these questions yet.  I have not confronted her with it.  Before I do, I need to get to the bottom of the question at hand:  Is using pornography cheating?  You see, I was using pornography since my teens and carried it into our marriage.  About six years ago I confessed my problem to my wife.

My past use of pornography.

Her reaction was to my revelation was relief, sympathetic and hurt.  The relief part came as I was trying to explain this and she began to think I was having an affair.  She was relieved to find out that was not true.  She was sympathetic regarding my background and how I started into pornography.  Lastly, she was hurt thinking about how I used these images of women instead of her, even she knew she wasn’t they cause of my problem.

Can you draw a correlation between cheating and pornography?

Now when I confront my wife about her friend, I know that she will relate it to my pornography use and how that hurt her.  If she is physically involved with this man, is it really comparable to using pornography?  Could you honestly use this as a defensive move if you were confronted about cheating?  What if she is only emotionally cheating, what then?

I want to really try and answer these questions for myself.  I want your help to sort this out.  Please leave your comments below.  Where do you stand on this?  What are your thoughts?

Hi All!!   I am very excited about this post.. because it is the announcement of my book that has been 2 years in the making:

How to Break the Bonds of Pornography Addiction and Live in True Freedom

Two plus years later, I am leaving perfection behind and getting this out there to help anyone who is struggling with Pornography addiction.

Inside my book you will find a practical guide on how to break free from pornography addiction.  In all my years of reading on this subject, I have found very good books and some not so good.  Most books leaned too heavily into the spiritual side of addiction while others had no spiritual side.

My aim in this book was to bring a balance of spiritual healing and aid along with practical tactics you can use in your daily life.  This guide will walk you through some personal processing and steps to get yourself ready for healing and breaking free from pornography.  There is also a large amount of resources that will point you in the right direction to get yourself some further help.

I am not a therapist, counselor or pastor, just a recovering addict trying to help others who want out of the pornography trap.  Please download my book for free.  Please read it, follow the directions and visit the resources.  You will soon be putting together your battle plan against pornography and walking in freedom.

Freedom is good.  We were never meant to be slaves to anything, especially sin.  Live Free today.

Download it Free right here : How-to-Break-the-Bonds-of-Pornography-addiction-and-Live-in-True-Freedom

We can learn a lot from chapter 5 of the book of Proverbs.  This chapter speaks about the adulteress woman and how she can easily snare a man if he does not listen to wisdom and avoid her.

What does this have to do with pornography addiction?  The adulteress woman in this chapter can be replaced with pornography itself.  Follow me and see if this parallel is definitely valid.

1. My son, give attention to my wisdom, incline your ear to my understanding; 2. That you may observe discretion and your lips may reserve knowledge.

First off, Solomon advises his son to listen to him and gain wisdom.  Pay attention to what I am about to tell you this is important!  Solomon is trying to warn his son from the point of view of experience perhaps.

3. For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech

The adulteress speaks words that are sweet and smooth.  She has a sensual proposition.  Pornography speaks to us the same way doesn’t it?  Pornography says: “Come and take a peek, I am ready for you and have all the pleasure you are looking for, You will get a break from your boring world just for a while.”  That scantily dressed attractive woman from the photo calls out to you to take break and enter her world.

4. But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.

When all the sensual fun is over, you are left with the bitter reality of what you just did.  You are full of shame and regret.  “I can’t believe I was so stupid to fall again”  It hurts like a two edged sword – It does severe damage.  It damages your integrity, your marriage, and other ways in which you will find out about later.  You can’t play with it without getting hurt.

5. Her feet go down to death, her steps take hold of Sheol. 6. She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know.

Pornography and the adulteress are lost and on the way to Hell.  They both live for today and do not consider the consequences of their actions.  Those lost in the sin of pornography live for that high that pornography gives them.  Some of them are unaware of where it will lead them both in consequences in this life and in eternal life.

7. Now then, my sons, listen to me and do not depart from the words of my mouth. 8. Keep your way far from her and do not go near the door of her house,

Solomon warns them to do what he says and do not even go near the adulteress!  Stay far from her!  Pornography should be kept away from – far away.  How many times did you ‘play around the edges’ as I did and ‘only’ look at lingerie or half nudes??  Then what happened?  You, just like me were drawn into all out pornography.  Solomon was wise to say stay far away.  You can’t play around the edges!  She is a master seducer and you are weak.
9. Or you will give your vigor to others and your years to the cruel one; 10. And strangers will be filled with your strength and your hard-earned goods will go to the house of an alien; 11. And you groan at your final end, when your flesh and your body are consumed; 12. And you say, “How I have hated instruction! and my heart spurned reproof! 13. “I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to my instructors! 14.  “I was almost in utter ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation

The price we pay for giving into an adulteress and pornography is with our time, material goods and our souls!  Pornography steals our time.  How many times did you sit down to look at some only to come to your senses 4 hours later?  It steals our time in this way and also with the way it preoccupies our waking thoughts too.  Pornography will steal your material goods because it makes you less productive and are dumping money into buying pornography.  Pornography will steal your soul.  What a statement.  Very sobering.  Pornography can turn you into a monster if you let it.  Ted Bundy feasted on a steady diet of porn and he admitted to its influence on his life.

Drink water from your own cistern and fresh water from your own well. 16. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? 17. Let them be yours alone and not for strangers with you. 18. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. 20. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?

Solomon advises us to draw water from our own well.  Don’t get your sexual satisfaction from a stranger.  Don’t give yourself to anyone but your wife.  Your wife and you should exclusively be the only sexual satisfaction for each other.  Pornography seems like it satisfies, but it really is empty.  You may go to porn for intimacy, but it is a false intimacy.  You are still hungry after using pornography, it just doesn’t satisfy.

21. For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He watches all his paths. 22. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. 23. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray

Finally, Solomon reminds us of the reality of the Lord watching our every move and the consequences of our sin.  Would you watch pornography with someone else in the room that would not approve?  Well, the Lord sees us at all times!  He watches all our paths!  Every time you watch pornography, the Lord knows what you are doing.  Our sin will bind us and we will pay for them.  No one watches porn anonymously and without consequence!

Proverbs chapter five was given as a challenge for our accountability group to read everyday for a week.  It is a great example to remind us of why we need to live pure lives.  Pornography is the enemy and it seeks us out.  It tries to trip us up and bring us down with itself.  We need to stay far away from pornography and not even play near the edges.  We in no way are allowed to see any nudity other than that of our wives.  Pornography robs us of our time and resources.  It will put us to shame and will steal away our souls.  Focus your sexual desires on your wife and enjoy her as she was meant to be for you.  Pornography will not satisfy you, it only takes from you.  Remember that the eyes of the Lord are everywhere and are watching you.  The Lord will reveal the secrets and all things done in private.  If you do not repent and stop using pornography, you will suffer the consequences.  No one sins without consequences.

Hear a sex & pornography addict speak very candidly about his addiction.  Many of the origins of his addiction will ring true with many of us.  He speaks about the thrill of the hunt how his addiction flourished and many other aspects of sexual addiction.  He is now clean by the grace of God. 

Watch the video here and talk about it below:  Confession of a Sex Addict