Why do Men Watch Porn? – Four reasons your husband looks at pornography

why do men watch porn

Why do Men Watch Porn? – Here are four reason you may not have thought of outside the obvious

  • He is seeking escape – Life is tough and there are many responsibilities between work and family.  Sometimes a man wants to get away from this world and enter fantasy land.  This escape takes his mind of things that cause pain or anxiety and provides him with pleasure.  As a wife, you understand the need to get away from the children or work.  This is much the same as he is seeking with pornography.  Many women believe he is trying to get away from her, which might be true if she is a contentious woman, but usually he is stressed about the cares of this world and wants a brief escape.  Try to provide an environment where he can talk to you freely and without hesitation about things that are on his mind.  Listen to him and make sure he knows you are on his team and working together with him.

 

  • He is wired to be visually oriented – Men are visual creatures.  We find what we like by site and feelings come later.  Women use their feelings to determine what they like then they translate that into physical attraction.  This being said, a man is usually always scanning females searching for something pleasant to the eye.  He gets great satisfaction just from observation because he is stimulated by sight.  Using pornography develops his visual appetite and makes it more satisfying and therefore he will keep going back for more.  Don’t neglect yourself physically and stop wearing nice clothes for him.  He will notice you more if you take time to get his attention.

 

  • He is hooked on the high he gets – Pornography has been documented to mimic the same effects on the brain as drugs do.  It releases all kinds of feel good chemicals that provide lots of pleasure for a while.  It is so easy to get hooked on pornography for this very reason.  Men like the view and the feeling it gives them.  You may be a good looking sexy woman, but your husband will go to pornography for the variety and to get his fix.  I’ve seen men with very attractive wives go back time and again to pornography.  This is very hard to comprehend for a feeling oriented woman.  Many women will blame themselves because they don’t look sexy as they used to, but the truth is, he is an addict and is acting out of addiction and not directly as a result of your physical beauty.

 

  • He is searching for an intimate connection – Even though men are visually oriented, deep down inside we are lonely and seeking an intimate connection.  If you and your husband have a rocky marriage, make love infrequently or don’t take time to go out on dates and connect with each other, he may be starving.  It’s hard to understand how a man can get intimacy from a video screen, but in his mind these girls are there for him and to please him.  They draw him into a false intimacy that he eats up if he doesn’t have an intimate connection with his wife.  It’s not just the sex he is looking for, it’s the feeling of being wanted, appreciated and being able to please someone else.  If you can provide those things for your husband he will rather spend time with you over them.

mesmerized by watching porn

 

Wives, I write this from a man’s point of view to help you understand where we are coming from.  A man does not always look at pornography as a direct result of something you have done or not done.  Sometimes he does it because it is what he has done for a long time, but other times he does it because something is lacking or he is just plain stressed out with life.

My best advice to you is to be sensitive to your husband’s needs.  Try to be understanding and let him get close to your physically and emotionally.  Also, make certain he knows you love him and don’t like the fact he is using pornography.  Try not to be confrontational but don’t let him off the hook if you know he is looking at pornography.

Together you two can work through these issues and come out on the other side a stronger and closer couple.

Other articles you may be interested in:

How to catch your husband watching porn on the interenet

Using Internet accountability software to break his porn habit

Differing Views: How Men and Women think about Husbands watching Pornography

Comments

  1. So, tell me then this. I ask him to do stuff with me. I try to get him to go on dates. I try to initiate. I try everything… so what’s the problem then if he just wont and doesn’t??

    • Ralph E. Daer says:

      I don’t know how your marriage is, but with mine, my wife is a constant nag to me, which makes me feel unloved. I work my butt off, pay the bills on time, put groceries on the table, & I never feel appreciated because I am not doing things good enough for my wife. I want to feel loved, but the constant bickering is a negative atmosphere that puts me down and makes me feel unloved. I would rather have a positive atmosphere, with love involved. Instead I feel like I’m hated.

  2. JulieTrevino. says:

    “Why do women scream in movie theaters when a gorgeous French man does a full frontal? ” They don’t. Most women are repulsed by it. And you’re really not doing anyone a service by saying that male and female sexuality exactly the same. They’re not.

    I think some women have a completely unrealistic ideas of male sexuality. Because they look at it through a female lens. The idea that he should only think of 1 woman sexually for the rest of his life is living in fantasyland. And we wonder why marriage don’t last anymore.

    Women need to take a cue from gay relationships to understand. There is not one single gay man I have met that has demanded his husband not look at porn. Nor does it mean they have intimacy issues or mistrust. They also tend to be much more stable and longer lasting on average than straight relationships.

    If you’re man is watching porn, don’t make it a big issue of “you don’t love me anymore! you’re cheating on me!” bullcrap. Just ignore it or accept it.

  3. What is sexy? A man releasing stress by going for a run
    or lifting weights at the gym. Getting all sweaty and hot. Major turn-on. Women ovulate every month, we are at our sexual prime and research shows we want have sex with the most fit and strong mate, which may not include our partner. Research proves this, women have needs to and I’m 32 years old and find 20 year old ripped, young men very attractive. Men and women are no different. Ladies, let’s please ourselves first and forget about pleasing a man. If an evolved man comes around, I’ll be open to that. Until then, I will date whomever I choose and if I’m not getting my needs met, I’ll leave them. Men, wake up it’s a new world out there. Women can support themselves financially now and we don’t need men for that. Another study shows, for the first time on history, women are choosing men on looks today. Let’s evolve men and women. Rise up and meet one another. Ladies, you have a choice to be with a man who deals with his emotions in a positive way, or a boy who does not. Porn is not helping you boys relieve stress, it’s numbing you to your inner pain. You’re better than that. Wake up.

  4. Women are just as visual as men. I’ve read studies that document this and I am woman. Men are not more visual than women, society has allowed this stigma but I’ve never bought it. Why do women scream in movie theaters when a gorgeous French man does a full frontal? My advice women, enjoy your sexuality and find a real man to please you. Why waste our breath on little boys who hide from their “stressors” with their penis in their hand in front of a computer screen? Not sexy and not a turn-on for me.

    • Totally!!! The double standard has been oppressive to women for way too long. So out of balance! Where are all the real men, who are able to practice self-control? Porn is such deception. Degrading to all who participate.

  5. Men and porn. I’m tired of always being lied to. Husband is immature and takes advantage of being alone, even if it’s momentarily — and logs onto porn sites. It’s amazing how some of this stuff is free! He might be buying it. I have to constantly monitor the bank acct. I’m also tired of hearing the excuse of porn being an escape for men — BS!

  6. Men and porn. I’m tired of always being lied to. Husband is immature and takes advantage of being alone, even if it’s momentarily — and logs onto porn sites. It’s amazing how some of this stuff is free! He might be buying it. I have to constantly monitor the bank acct. I’m also tired of hearing the excuse of porn being an escape for men — BS!

    • Of course you are being lied to. You are the Dom and he is the submissive sissy that you have made him. You are the the same as my bitch wife and you know that you like it. I love to se porn of cuckold bitches like you. Porn let’s me be in control of a woman or fantasize about being sodomized by a dildo or man. You want to feminize him

  7. I hate that I have this problem in my marriage after something like this is done it is hard to look at your husband in a desirable way. I would rather be alone making myself feel happy then to live daily knowing my husband does not truly love me and has broken trust. I cannot just sit back and accept this “oh that is just the way men are”

    • Tiffany – can I call you Tiff? Lol. I feel EXACTLY the same way! If a man can’t ask for what he wants from us, maybe he doesn’t want it? It is pretty hard to continue to be attracted to someone who continues to break trust and get their needs met elsewhere.

  8. NOT BUYING IT... says:

    What I see before me are excuses. And excuses are lies. We are all sinners,
    I get that. Im no better than the next. Husband included. But what these men are CHOOSING to do is take total and complete disregard for the feelings of the women they claim to love.

    My husband was quite the womanizer before I came into the picture. Countless women, the stories I could tell you. GEEZE. A raiderette (a girl he went to school with), A porn star (he lived in hollywood for 2 years), strippers, a “real model” (an insult directed at me being that I model as a hobby), A random b* that sucked him off under the bar at a club in Hollywood, etc… Lost his virginity around the age of 13 to a female almost 18. Disgusting if you ask me.

    Like many of you women, Ive suffered through this disgusting display of selfish indulgence for the entire course of our relationship, 4+ years now (those of us subjected to this crap really do suffer). Ive even had my husband relive his past escapades with other women while touching himself in front of me. We went from having sex 4 times a day. The type of wife that gave it to him however he wanted it, whenever he wanted it. yeah… really… to once every 3 weeks to a month at best. And this change happened almost overnight. To add insult to injury it was after I became pregnant with our son. When we did have sex it almost always resulted in physical injury to my intimate parts. And thats when he could actually keep it up mind you.

    And a woman having to live with this nonsense is brought to a point of desperation. I researched how to have sex like a porn star. I even tried to entice him like a porn star, rubbed oil all over my body while touching myself and such… He told me flat out that he wasnt interested and left me where I stood, cold and rejected. Then 2 days later I find him watching a girl doing the same damn thing on video. URGH!!! REALLY!?!?!?! Its gotten to a point, currently, where my husband cant even keep an erection while he is with me because its not “stimulating enough” for him. He tells me that its got nothing to do with me, its gravity cause hes not a youngster anymore, hes barely in his early 30s. He tells me that hes not watching porn but I find it.

    You want my take on it… And I dont have a medical degree mind you but I think common sense will tell you that we have gotten far too comfortable making excuses for everyone. Everything is a f*ing disease. Nobody is responsible for anything anymore. Everyone is the “victim”. There is no personal responsibility or accountability. Seriously. Grow the F* up and let your balls drop already. BE A MAN!!! My husband even told me a few times that in order to be desired I have to be desirable. HAHAHAHA… Really?! I guess it just goes to show how much he must loath himself. But still. We are now separated and been separated for almost a year. In my research Im finding that the general consensus is that I have no choice but to live with this crap because I married him and the bible states how God detests divorce.

    I dunno. Im just really irritated with what I read about men are wired this way, its natural, yada yada yada. Somehow its my fault, as the female in this predicament. Because Im too sensitive, Im too insecure, Im jealous, there is something wrong with me… How about we just call a spade a spade and put the responsibility on the shoulders of the one whos doing wrong.

    Before I go, Im going to leave y’all with this… The best way to resist temptation is to avoid it all together.

    And I was a porn “addict” when I was younger. I know how strong the drive for it can be. For me it was the ONLY way I was able to acheive any sexual satisfaction. But I made the conscious decision that I didnt like what it did to me and if I was going to be satisfied I had to learn a thing or two about my own body as well instead of just relying on the man to make it all happen for me. Yes. I too lost my virginity before marriage. Like I said. I too am a sinner. No better and no worse than the rest.

    Ok. Im done unloading. I apologize for the looooong winded response but I really just cant stand what Im going through right now and all the excuses that I seem to stumble upon on the topic.

    • I 100% agree with you. If someone truly loved you this should not be a problem.

    • I don’t know if you’ll get this. I’m 59. My husband died 3/2/2016. He was always cold, distant, and noncommunicative. I discovered six months after he died that he’d been into pornography the entire time we were married–29 years. I’d been oblivious!!! Well, once we separated because I found disgusting nude files on our HOME computer (2005). I had a psychotic break, went into the hospital, and then a domestic violence shelter (much more was going on than porn, verbal/emotional abuse). Since his death, I’ve been suicidal. I feel his pornography was all my fault. I’m disgusting looking. I’m filthy. I’m ugly. That’s why he chose those “women” over me. And perhaps he was into cybersex as well whenever I was gone. You don’t know the constant criticism I experienced under his “rule.” The constant coldness to the point where he never even looked at me. Now, all I want to do is find a way to off myself.

      • The first thing anyone will tell the spouse of a porn addict is – Its not your fault. He didn’t do this because you were not enough, or were ugly.. there are most usually other reasons. He treated you badly because of his addiction -most likely. Now that he is gone you should seek some professional counseling to help you deal with his death and this porn addiction he had. He is not around for you to get answers unfortunately, but be assured he got into this despite things going on between you two. I have known women who were drop dead gorgeous that had men addicted to porn. Was it because they were not enough or unattractive? No. They were plenty attractive.

  9. I get wanting to escape. I watch porn and masturbate regularly. I do this because of my husband’s low sex drive.
    We have a great marriage, two great kids, two great careers, renovating our new home. So I think that is all this is. An escape.
    But man is it a bummer when you come on to your husband, he rejects you, and then you see the internet history on the computer is him looking at porn an hour or so later.
    We have a code of “we both know each other looks at porn from time to time, but let’s not discuss this and move on”. But I feel like it’s starting to impact our marriage because our sex life is non-existent. I’d be happy to give up porn and focus my sexual energy on him, but I don’t know if he feels the same.
    This form of rejection definitely makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you.
    Hate this feeling.

  10. Confused says:

    my husband has always looked at porn as far as I know. Before we got married I found a couple of magazines and he claimed they were old and from his “single” days. I let him know how I felt about it and he said “no problem” and then got rid of them. After we were married and I was pregnant with our first child I discovered porn on our computer… he blamed it on his room-mate during a deployment. I have caught him numerous times and only now am I getting some of the truth from him about it. He said that “all men look at it and it’s not bad and that I just need to accept it and get over myself about it”…. he claims to look at women he say that remind him of me… well…. they don’t ring a bell of what I see when I see myself… in fact he’s looking at women that he’s twice as old as and that I’m nearly 10yrs. older then…. He says he loves me and only uses it when he can’t be with me like on “deployments” or when he feels “disconnected” from me… the thing is… the feeling and his actions of not being “connected” only seem to happen when he looks at porn. I could compromise and “accept” that he looks at porn, if 1) he doesn’t lie to me about or hide it from me and 2) my feelings on the matter are listened to and accepted just like he expects me to do about his “activity” 3) it is no longer disruptive to our sexual and marital as well as family life….. Am I being unreasonable after over decade of marriage and 3 children… I work hard to be beautiful for him and he hasn’t told me in years that I’m pretty or anything… he never compliments me any more and he never kisses me any more unless I initiate it during sex or for sex other wise kissing is option for him…. What the heck is that all about??? and he claims he loves me, is in love with and only wants me….. is it me or am I getting mixed signals here????

  11. First of all, it’s extremely important to understand that gender is not limited to physicality. It is much more complex than that. There is a female mind, a male mind, and an androgynous mind. While it is most common for men to be male-minded and women to be female-minded, there are still plenty of male-minded women and female-minded men. And people with a little of both. I am a female, but I am androgynous. I’m a very visually oriented person. I’m a photographer, a painter, and a dancer (not THAT kind). Everything I do revolves around visual stimulation. For that reason, I’ve been attracted to both males and females in my lifetime, so I understand both aspects of this topic fully. My experience, as well as ample research, tells me that we think the way we’ve conditioned ourselves to think throughout our lifetime, whether we’re aware of it or not. Our daily thoughts and actions translate into lifelong thoughts and actions. If a person allows him or herself to think about sex all day long, then that person’s brain will automatically learn that it’s supposed to think about sex the next day. I know this from experience. I’ve lived life watching porn daily, and that changed me incredibly. It put my soul into an incredibly dark place that I never want to revisit. I don’t even recognize the person I used to be. I hate that other person that was living through me. Our hormones may play a big part, but we still have the final say in what we do, and when you know something is wrong then it’s wrong. To do it anyways cause confusion, dissonance, guilt, and fear. None of those things are worth ten minutes of “visual stimulation.” You can’t allow basic animalistic drives to control what you do and think about or it will end up defining you. When someone watches a pornography they are partaking in one of the most selfish acts to ever exist. A woman who sheds her clothes and lets anyone have their way with her for the camera is a mentally and emotionally sick woman. I know because I was headed down that path myself and I watched many friends go down that path, too. People that watch porn or act in porn don’t think about others even a little bit. Men have no concern for who the woman is and why she’s comfortable doing what she’s doing, and women don’t even care that what they’re doing to men is like a poison to our society. They’re just after the high. I’m tired of all the excuses. I hate reading articles that tell me to “be sensitive to your boyfriends needs.” What about my needs? Do you know how exhausting it is to have to primp everyday, just in the hopes of TRYING to keep his interest while sex symbols are plastered everywhere you turn? Men need to learn to be real men, not the thoughtless autopilot animals that don’t think, only watch. A real man knows himself, knows right from wrong, and lives to reflect that. A real man has no interest in pornography because he’s allowed EVERY part of his brain to develop, not just the parts that give him an instant “feel good.” I’ve already told myself if I catch my boyfriend watching porn again I’m leaving. Not because I don’t love him, because I do with all my heart. But the desire to watch porn tells me that he hasn’t matured enough in his spirit for me to want to be with him. I desire a real man, an intelligent man, a man who strives for self improvement and doesn’t settle for what’s accepted in society, a man who knows there’s a time and a place for intimacy and who would rather keep that moment special and exciting instead of making himself crave more variety where it really doesn’t count. In the end, the porn addicts, men and women alike, are the loneliest people on Earth. So don’t be one.

  12. 13 years of betrayal says:

    My husband had secretly been using porn for our 13 years of marriage. He started 6 months in. I really can’t tell you that he treated me different when he said he was using and when he said he wasn’t. He’s been dry for 6 months but he still rejects me and he would rather be celebate than “work” at being intimate with me. I think the porn usage has long time effects. He is incredibly selfish, immature and quick to give excuses and says he is trying. I think either you pursue and make love to your wife or you don’t. Trying is thinking in your own head that you will get better. I’m sure he’s been “trying” for 13 years. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head. I think he still escapes to fantasies. There must be thousands of images in there. No real woman could ever compete. I’m angry but sad for him. He doesn’t seem that he really wants to fight to get better. Counseling, books, prayer sometimes seem ineffective. Will time change things? Can a selfish man ever be free? Can a marriage ever be healed?

  13. I would like some answers, if anyone out there can help me. My husband and I dated for 4 years, then we got married. We have been married for almost 5 years now. There are no children as of yet. Ever since I met my husband, we have been really happy. But I always would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, to find him looking at these sites, and playing porn games. When I would confront him in a calm manner, sitting down at the table. He told me that there’s nothing wrong with me. That he is happy with me and that I am an amazing woman and wife to have in his life. Over the years, it has gotten worse. He claims there is nothing wrong with how I look, etc. and that I am being silly being jealous over a site with fantasy girls. I have done dressing in sexy things for him. Looking more attractive and pretty to him since then. He tells me I’m his amazing sexy wife. But then, I still catch him with porn. There have been several times, I have approached him in a calm way, without arguing, pointing fingers, or trying to start a fight.

    Whenever I catch him, I feel hurt. I feel worthless even though he tells me that I’m the best wife he has, etc. I get to thinking if I am not good enough for him. If I am not beautiful, attractive and wonderful enough for him. I have even tried to spice up our marriage and intimate times with different things, but I still catch him. He’s gotten into this thing that he now doesn’t like to tell me that he’s looking at porn. Whenever I ask him what games or what he’s doing he usually tells me. But when he’s looking at porn and I ask him this, he says ‘Does it really matter?’ Like he’s being sneaky about it. He’s been doing this for a couple weeks now. And whenever I go in the kitchen, he minimizes the screen. But I still see a glimpse of porn. He even has headphones on so I don’t hear anything.

    Is there something wrong with me or is it just him stressing about work/life? Whenever he comes home, I make sure he’s well-taken care of. I make sure he knows I love him dearly, with all my heart. I cook, clean, etc. for him. I make sure he has a comfortable clean home to come home to and sleep in. I just don’t understand it. 🙁

    • He has a problem and it won’t change until HE wants it to. You have to try to stear him into seeing the light himself. Show him this post and let him read what others have said. Let him know how much it hurts. Ask him why porn is so important to him that it completely overrides what’s going to make you, his real life wife who he claims to love, happy. If it doesn’t change after all of your efforts then leave. I know how hard that is to actually do, but it’s better now than with kids involved and that’s the only thing that will show him how serious you are. If this continues then it’s likely you’ll change as a result of his behavior. You’ll start seeking your own reassurance and trying to find other men to make you feel like your worth is being noticed. Make him question his soul and make him want to ask himself why he’s so addicted to porn in the first place. Make him confront all of the terrible things that his porn habits are supporting, from ruining your trust and relationship all the way to enabling the mentally sick women, the daughters and granddaughters, that he selfishly watches for his own few minutes of pleasure. Involve his hobby in the discussion to try to get him thinking. If he plays guitar point out to him how much better he’d be if he’d spent half the time practicing that he does watching porn. If you both believe in a higher power, ask him if he thinks we were really meant as human beings to post videos and pictures of each other mating. Our society turns our entire lives into sex related BS, so it’s easy to forget what porn really is when you dumb it down. People literally turn into Jonathon Swift’s Yahoos when they stoop to the soul obliterating level of porn. You can help him to see clearly but he has to come to the decision on his own and for the right reasons. And if he can’t then you need to stop wasting time that you could be finding a real man who really knows himself. I’ve been going through this struggle myself for the past few years. For a while every time I thought it was getting better I realized he was just better at hiding it. It killed my confidence, which hurt our relationship even more. I even tried to accept it, to embrace it even, but I couldn’t because I’ve already learned how wrong it is. Once you see the light you can’t go back. Only in the past few months have I noticed a real change. He’s using his mind more, focusing on his studies, caring about the state of his soul, developing the rest of his brain, and, for the first time, I can see a difference in his eyes when I ask if he’s been watching porn. Now he’s understanding about my feelings and concerns instead of getting immediately defensive and angry that I have the audacity to be hurt. I think it helped when he found out how hard it is for a female to have sexual satisfaction when she knows her lover has been looking at other women. It really bothers him to know he can’t please me sexually when he watches porn.
      Oh, and let him know that new research links masturbation to prostate issues, so he should save it for when it counts. 😛
      I do understand your struggle. I’ve had a rough life, but nothing has been harder than this. I send out all of the love and peace I can to help you cope. If only our men could experience the overwhelming feelings of betrayal, worthlessness, frustration, mistrust, and down right depression that their simple selfish acts cause AND try to understand why, we wouldn’t be in this situation. You have to help him to want to understand. If he won’t, I PROMISE there are men out there who will. And remind him that leaving IS an option you’re considering if things continue this way.

      • Ideas and open says:

        Your insight, nearly floored me and lightened my heart. For the hiding and getting better at hiding it, taught me I was getting worse at accepting it. I went on a lovely tropical vacation with my beloved only to learn while family was in/out and walks on the beach and delicious food outings, he was “Porn-ing Up”- at first I saw the FB link constantly open. One time we all were swimming, he exited ran upstairs only to either FB or PORN UP, the kicker was I had left the tiny room only to return to see him being jumpy because he did not minimize fast enough and I caught a glimpse and rows and rows of pics, and I gently said -are you on FB? and he finally said what he was doing. He had been porning up the entire trip, in little pockets of what he calls “private time.”–this is a relationship where we experiment with toys, he loves adult book stores and I go to all of them, I shop and I buy, I partake with a smile and I keep myself nice. He does all the clique things, like “I look at ladies that look like you”–really 54 year olds with blond hair and a C section scar—really ?

        • Lame excuse for his ‘porning up’ time. Can’t say that is a new one. Every guy who gets caught will try to make some excuse to relieve the pressure of the situation. Truthfully though, he is genuinely addicted to porn and can’t help himself. Porn is like a drug and anyone who is or was addicted to drugs will tell you that a junkie lives to get high. He needs help and hopefully you will be able to help him get help.. not only for your marriage, but for him. It’s hard for guys to admit they have a problem, especially one that is so private and carries the stigma porn does.

  14. working on things says:

    Not yet, but we are making the steps for him to get that. We are going to try to get involved with church recovery groups that way he can be around other men with addiction problems of any kind. Hoping it will help him..

  15. working on things says:

    As far as your last response goes, I am making all of those positive steps in my marriage with my husband, He is also addicted and has been since a very young age. I am finding it so hard to stay in this relationship even with him trying to seek help.. We have delt with this for 4-5 years.. I am so hurt that he keeps lying to me and hiding this all from me. Im hoping therapy makes a difference. Because in my eyes I see it as cheating..

    • It is hard to break, believe me. Is your husband involved in any men groups where he can get a mentor to hold him accountable and advise him with good counsel?

  16. Why is it that my husband tells me I am his dream girl one minute, then I find a porn folder on his computer AFTER we already discussed this and he deleted one a month before we got married? Girls that are complete opposite of me. I am little and really white – these women are big and some are black. I often ask him what I can do to make him want me more, but he says I’m perfect. We have been married only 7 months. He was the one who made us sustain for 5 months prior to the wedding. We only knew each other 4 before that. It doesn’t help that I have a huge sex drive that he gets intimidated by. So when he denies me – I think, what is wrong with me sense he has a live playmate with him willing to do anything he wants, but he goes and looks at porn instead??? I know I am attractive and others told him how lucky he is. He is making me feel VERY insecure. And he knows this and still does it.
    Any help on how to approach him where he will REALLY understand??

    • Hurt, believe it or not this is classic pornography addiction. A man can have a drop dead gorgeous wife who is a willing partner and still look at pornography. Why do we do it? Habit. Addiction. Variety. It’s easier to engage in porn for a quick escape into fantasy land than it is to engage your partner for sex.
      Even though you have already expressed your concerns and he still does it, is he not understanding you? I think he does understand in part. The pornography has such a powerful hold on him that I bet if you sat down and had a heart to heart you would find he has been looking at porn for years. It’s tough to escape from that temptation. Sit him down. Be understanding. Try to be calm but firm. Let him know that this behavior is seriously damaging your marriage. Offer to get him help and to be there for him when temptations get high. Assure him that you are on his side and ready to work with him to defeat this enemy.

  17. I have gone through a similar experience as Pam. While I was with child as well.
    The pain in the beginning was very excruciating. I had all kinds of thoughts race through my mind. I am still growing and changing as a result of this betrayal. Then I came across this verse in the Living Word in 2Timothy2:22 it reads Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Instead pursue righteous living,faithfulness,love,and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.(NLT) I noticed it says to run. That showed me we all have a choice to run or not too run. I understand people claim men are sight oriented. According to the living word it says in Genesis 3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food,and that it was pleasant to the eyes (kjv)
    Oh was that pleasant to the eyes? The eyes the living word is speaking of is the woman known as Eve’s eyes. Now if we are descendents of Eve; as woman wouldn’t that mean we are more sight driven than the male. It doesn’t read Adam saw it says the woman saw. That’s sight. So what I am trying to convey is woman may just be more sight oriented than men. It’s just that some of us practice self control. When you truly love someone you don’t want to hurt them. Selfishness and pride is the root of such a thing as pornographic viewing.
    Every day we all have too make choices to remain faithful to our loved ones or to be unfaithful. My decision is to remain faithful regardless of my husband’s selfish decision.
    I have a God I must answer to and He loves me greatly and children who love me. That’s what keeps me going forward and daily forgiving and praying for my husband as well as praying for myself and my children. I will not tolerate pornography too win and destroy my family and marriage and my husband’s precious soul.
    We all have a choices to make daily let’s not use excuses to justify our selfishness and pride. Please don’t forget not all those men and women in pornography want to be there exploiting themselves. Some of them are victims and want help and want out. Pornography is deadly to both the viewer and the person being used. Pornography is out to destroy all who come to it’s awful and destructive path. It is poison. There is nothing positive or glamorous about pornography. It’s aim is to steal,kill and destroy.

    • Well said Lena. Selfishness causes us to hurt others by using pornography. It does steal the soul of the user and those involved in making it.

  18. This is crap! I am stressed too with an 8 month old and being 6 months pregnant. I’m an attractive woman and getting attention from other men makes me feel good but I understand as a married woman it’s no longer appropriate! That was single behavior. Men need to get over all this bs they are taught to make it ok. I have had this fight with my husband of 9 months for the last time! I am raising 2 daughters (one due this summer) and I will not have them around this filth. I told him tonight he can get it together or get it out! I was raised by a porn addict father and my girls won’t be subjected to it! I told if I leave I’m going back home 6 hours away & he can visit his kids whenever he can & hear about his daughter’s birth through a phone call & picture. The choice is his but I am tired and over it!!! I’d love variety too but that’s what commitment is about and if he can’t grow up then he can move on! I deserve better! I also installed a keylogger and caught him redhanded tonight with screenshots too!

    • You are very stressed for sure and he is not a very caring father. I am very sorry you have to go through this. Is he willing to get help? Have you approached him in a somewhat understanding way instead of reacting from stress and frustration? If you can lay it on the line without accusing, scolding and belittling him, you have a better chance of him listening. If you do love him, approach him out of love

  19. That is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. A sex addict is a sex addi ct because they choose to be. It is in no way their wifes or partners fault and there is absolutely nothing a spouse or partner can do to prevent it. If a person wants that intimate connection they have it with their spouse or partner, because an addict chooses to brerak that in timate connection is on them. It doesn’t matter how sexy we dress, how sexual we try to be, or connections we try to make, an addict is just that an addict that chose the path that they are on .

    • Tina, what you say is true. It is not the woman’s fault what the addict does. An addict chooses how they act out on what they see. The woman can however put their husbands sexual advances off one to many times. She can let her appearances fall by not practicing proper hygiene. Once the man is put off by his partner, he seeks elsewhere to get that satisfaction. That can lead into pornography and addiction. Does this make sense?

      • Angerisagift says:

        Not if their wife does anything and everything that the guys sees in the porn whenever he wants & Is considerably younger than himself, and takes care of herself and their house hold.
        Has sex great sex with him , only to find him up in the middle of the night watching porn again .

        Not even the worst part, she tries to get him to watch porn with her but he outright refuses. So she just ignores it , continues on …knowing he watches porn everyday but never says anything because when she does …Her husband gets super defensive and angry going on with the top excuses everyones already heard ….”good luck finding a guy who doesn’t watch porn” your just “insecure” …your “controlling” ….

        ……Right . So then we get to this Men and women are different topic. Here is the difference,Men don’t want to have self control . Women can have self control with ease. It is a choice. If you wife is a fine piece of ass , and loves you even when you have your downfalls . Then you better listen to what shes trying to say and hold on to her. She’s probably your one in a million who would do anything for you , but you won’t even consider how she feels because its none of her buisness , right?

        You don’t think your wife has urges too? You think she is just going to stay by your side for the rest of your lifes if she knows your constanly lusting after other women time and time again to a point that is in apparent porn addiction problem which can lead to other things.

        She will begin to resent you , no matter how much of a good guy you think you are or how well you think you hide your porn . Your wife more then likey has suspcions & trusts her instincts.

        & just as she feels the emotional detachment from you over time , she will begin to do the same and all these thoughts going through her head and fantasies of what she could have start to surface . She still denys these thoughts and tries to again make a connection with you(an understanding) , but you deny her again .

        The problem never gets fixed.
        DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

        • Angerisagift says:

          Just remember everything is good and moderation .

          Become
          Familiar with the word “cognitive dissonance-which is the feeling of discomfort when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting cognitions: ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions. In a state of dissonance, people may sometimes feel “disequilibrium”: frustration, hunger, dread, guilt, anger, embarrassment, anxiety, etc”

          Men are taught that it is normal and acceptable to watch porn because they been doing it as long as they can remember and its even more accessible now .

  20. Phoebe Isley says:

    That’s all fine & dandy guys but isn’t there enough excuses on why men are the way they are. It comes down to self control, which for all you men out there, we women have urges as well. We aren’t lacking in that area no matter how much you think so. We’ve just learned to control our urges especially when we know down inside it’s morally & ethically wrong when you’re married. There are plenty of women who have the same problem so I’m not aiming to just men. If we all acted on our impulses we would be like animals with no boundaries but because we learn to maintain our urges & impulses that makes us human beings. Unfortunately with acting on these kind of urges be it female or male we end up hurting the one’s we love & breaking the vow of committment to one another be it physically or mentally. Both are just as potent. There are plenty of things we all would like to think or do but know down inside it’s wrong. When it’s wrong it’s wrong no matter how you put it. Pornography takes away from a relationship not boost it. I believe everyone can think & do what they want & no one can control them but it is up to yourselves to either except it or not or do or not. No one is to blame but yourselves should you wish to travel through this endeavor but remember “there are always consequences for your actions be it good or bad.” There are NO excuses except lack of control & dignity for yourself & your important other.

    • Men are wired to be visual. Pornography is a bigger temptation to us. That being said, it still is no excuse. We all have to hold ourselves within proper boundaries for sexual purity… men and women both.

    • Vickie Emerick says:

      I completely agree with Phoebe Isley’s reply, but at the same time I understand the Doctor’s point of view. Women should not be the only one in the relationship trying to keep her important other from going astray. Men should have to work on the relationship also. I understand that women and men are different. As a woman, I know that I have urges and needs. Sometime I do not feel that my husband takes care of me in that department because he is to busy looking at porn, but I do not run off the first chance I get to another man. Its called self-discipline. Men can be self-disciplined, but they choose not to. When you make a commitment such as marriage, your supposed to loyal and faithful to your partner even through the rough times. I think that pornography should be obsolete. Before there was porn, more marriages survived. Yes there were whore houses, but the majority of marriages survived because there was really no choice but to work through your problems. I can’t just blame the men. I blame women as well for degrading themselves for a quick dollar. Its illegal to be a prostitute but its legal to work in a porn agency or in a strip club, which comes down to the fact of making money. Pornography is degrading. If you want to look at porn, make a video with your wife or husband and view it together later on. Tell your important other what you like and want. I think pornography is the same as cheating, you may not be doing it physically but you are doing it mentally.

  21. Charles Darwin says:

    Simply put, men are hardwired to respond to visual stimuli which produce a more intense orgasm. Woman respond instead to sensual stimuli. Men and women we are not equal. We are totally different. In evolutionary terms Men are designed for quick “wham, bang , thank you Maam” exercises, but woman are designed to foster long terms relationships.

    If a wife wants to be more alluring than porn then she has to understand that men need to be stimulated visually and provide that. Many woman just can’t bring themselves to sexually express themselves in any graphic sense. If more were like that we would have less men spending time with porn as they would be getting the same rush and excitement from their wives. Porn would become a dead market..

    • Men are not totally a ‘wham bam thank you maam’ type. Deep down inside after all those meaninless one night stands and hours in front of the computer with porn, he is lonely. Men want true companionship and faithfullness too. While spicing up your marriage is a good thing for women to do, I don’t think that would kill the porn industry. The porn industry will remain as long as there are buyers and people who justify it as free speech.

    • Charles Darwin I want to disagree with your comment. My husband has been caught looking at porn several times okay and all my friends even my girlfriends guy friends wonder why because one im young im 24 and hes older then me. Im good looking and is very open minded im the one trying to get him to do new things I do more then above and beyond what majority of wives do I cook clean and get up with him every morning at 5 a.m to make him his lunch for work and make eggs and toast most girls would sleep in I try sooo sooo incredibly hard to make his life easy and happy with a pretty girl by his side but no im not good enough he always looks at that whore tia tanaka who is asian do you think maybe its cuz im not asian u seem to have ALL the answers so tell me why why her and not me who strives to be a perfect wife. btw the guys only chore is take out recycling.

      • It seems your husband doesn’t quite have much respect for you now as maybe before. Recapture his emotions by being a little “harder to get” (around the house). Men are creatures that feel like they need to win some kind of challenge prize. That prize should be the wife (you). Dont do so many chores FOR him. It’s about turning the tide of that respect and allowing him to understand that your worth as a wife is more than some temporary “fun girl” he likes to play around with. Gently- remind him of this by not being submissive to his promiscuous, and or careless behavior.

    • charles, please allow me to pick your brain a moment. first u should know that my husband and i have been married 20 yrs. i met him germany as he was in the US Army and at the time he had visited the “Red Light” district. Couple yrs later i became pregnant, he spent 90% of his time in “Dance” bars while he attended college and i worked full time. He said he went because his boss and coworkers did it every night after work. He just wanted to fit in. (yea we know that;s BS) and Believe it or not, I was Beautiful/smart/independant/extrememly confident and had lived all over the world. —– The second child came along and same thing. He also spent $350. on 800#’s while i was out of town. -and then nothing for 5 Yrs. and now for the last 8 yrs he’s been getting up early for work and watching “soft porn” at 5:00am on the satellite. it got so bad our oldest daughter caught him one morning. -That still din’t stop him. His explanation was that i’m not a morning person, (we all know that’s not it’!) I put holes in the walls i sreamed , cried, and pleaded for him to stop because i felt neglected because my needs wern’t met- i was at his beck and call and still he wanted porn. all the while- he tells me the reason he cant last long is because i’m so sexy–(been sayin that 20 yrs) whatever, 20 yrs and 3 kids later?? So 2 yrs ago we had a long talk and he promised he’d take care of my sexuall needs like he should have this whole time and i would stay and become a loving wife to him again. well i really have always taken care of myself but i did even more and have bought some victoria secret stuff/garder belt and all. i gave him a camara to take some private photos, a video for him to take of his most favorite thing in the whole world. /Chacolate/whip cream/rope/spanking- U NAME IT!!- and this morning i was half awake this am so i saduced him w/oral sex in which he loved and to top him off the position of his choice. –i remembered i forgot to ask him somthing, went trotting out to the living room and low and behold there he was with a full hard on, watching bikini pirates on satellte tv. explaine that shit to me. and seriously i am not hard to look at and i have a body that doesn’t quit.–WTF is going on !! i am beside myself. I can think is that I am Just Not Enouph for him !! 🙁 help im out of idea’s and excuses for my husbands addiction to pornography.

    • Charles Darwin,

      If what you say is true, women should just all go collectively commit suicide right now, because it’s obvious that the belief system you are talking about hates us, tortures our hearts, and really just doesn’t give a shit about us. Men are meant to go and have sex with random women and we are meant to pop out babies and raise them alone? No thanks.

      Thank God more men are on here being honest and talking about their desires for intimacy.

  22. p.s. I was caught once six months ago and then caught again a couple of days ago.

  23. I find your article and views interesting. Now this is about being addicted to porn, what would you say to someone who thinks that they are addicted to tagged for the same reasons as stated above. My wife is the perfect wife and mother. Never given me reason to seek the physical comfort of another woman. Being on tagged I pretend to be someone else, mainly a character many women befriend me and flirt with me. I never discuss my personal life, who I am or where I am. It’s all role playing to me with no sexual inuendos or hints.

  24. Panama foundation says:

    .Discussing this issue with trust and honesty without accusing one another is the first step in dealing with pornography.

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