Finding your WHY to make lasting lifestyle changes

Finding your Why will lead to lasting lifestyle changes

 

Whenever you want to make a change in your life, after deciding what that change is and developing a plan, you need to work on your Why. Setting goals to make positive changes in your life is important. A goal is where you want to be at a specific point in time in the future. Goals need to be backed up by a good plan that measures your success so that you can make adjustments along the way.

 

Having a goal and a plan to get there is not enough. You still need to think about your Why. Your Why is the reason(s) for wanting to achieve the goal. Your Why is the underlying purpose behind your goal and is what is driving you to make it. When times get tough your Why will remind you of the reasons and will pull you through. Your Why is tied to a deep seated belief or emotion at your core or someone you really care about.

Lasting lifestyle change WHY

 

Let’s look at an example. I want to lose weight. Great, but let’s narrow that down and be specific. I want to lose 25 pounds by June 15th. That means I’ll have to lose approximately 4.25 pounds per month or just over a pound per week for the next six months. Perfect. What is your Why?

 

The reason I want to loose weight is to have my clothes fit better and feel healthier. Good enough? Maybe. Can we dig a bit deeper? Why do I want to have my clothes fit better? I don’t want to go shopping for bigger clothes. Why? Because I don’t want to admin to my wife that my clothes don’t fit. I already don’t feel good about myself and further embarrassment won’t help. If I can lose weight I will avoid the embarrassment of asking for new clothes plus I will feel better about my self and be more confident.

 

Let’s drill down on feeling healthier. Why do I want to feel healthier? Well, my kids can run circles around me. I am sluggish and slow. If I get healthier I can be more active with them. If I am healthier, I won’t fall into obesity and heart disease like the rest of my family is experiencing. Their quality of life is bad and I don’t want to live like that.

 

Do you see what we’ve done? We kept asking Why until we got to the core of the reasons. Most reasons can be drilled down until you strike that nerve! You need to discover your Why or Whys, otherwise you won’t feel like pulling out of the dip that comes when you’re ready to give up.

 

Let’s look at a Why as it relates to breaking free from addiction to pornography. I want to be free from pornography because it will ruin my marriage. If my marriage is ruined, I will be lonely and will miss my kids deeply. I can’t imagine being that alone and having my heart ache because I chose looking at naked women on the internet over my kids and wife. I don’t want to break her heart and my kids hearts by having to leave them.

 

I also want to be free from pornography because it angers God. It makes me feel guilty and destroys our relationship. In 1 Corinthians 6:9 got says adulterers won’t inherit the kingdom. I certainly don’t want to risk my salvation over some temporary fleshly pleasures.

 

Every time I get tempted to look at pornography, I stop and ask myself; Is this ten minutes of pleasure really worth destroying my family and having my heart and my kids hearts broken? Is it really wise to exchange some video of a woman I don’t know for an eternity away from God? Can I hurt the feelings of a God who has given me so much?

 

When I see the sadness on my children’s faces and when I feel the loneliness of living without my family, I know the my Why. When I feel the shame and guilt and see the disappointment of my heavenly father or picture myself at the gates of heaven being turned away, I know my Why.

 

Your Why will hit the core of your beliefs, the things you love and cherish, and your self worth. Your Why will ring true with who you are and who you want to be. When you feel that emotion associated with your why, you know you have found it.

 

Now go and find your Whys for the things your want to change in your life!

 

 

 

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The Truth will Set you Free, but…

Truth sets you free, but first it’s going to piss you off!

 

Jesus was the first to say this very often quoted line in John 8:31-32 – 31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

In this context, Jesus was speaking to believing Jews and was telling them that he was the source of Truth and not their traditions passed down through Abraham. This truth that Jesus possessed and shared with them would set them free. Free from the consequences and slavery to sin because through Jesus to those who believed in Him, the power of sin was broken.

This verse is used many times in modern days without reference to the truth of Jesus, but to other things. Truth in many instances is the beginning of freedom. Many times you have to face the facts before you can move away from uneasy or downright nasty situations.

the truth will set you free

Next stop Truth followed by Freedom

My favorite variation of this quote was given to me by a counselor. She would say; “The truth will set you free, but first it’s going to piss you off.” Maybe a bit crude, but spot on!

When confronted with truth, we come to a point of decision; accept it or deny it. When we deny it, we simply disregard it straight out of hand. “That can’t be true” or “I think you are wrong” are a few of the short responses we say without giving it some time to consider. It may be that we won’t consider it, but most of the time we recognized the bit of truth. It simply hurts us to much to ponder it deeper and we blow it off.

On the other hand, we could recognize that nugget of truth and give it some thought. Sure, the truth is at times hard to handle and will piss you off, but once that is overcome we can move towards the freedom. Our thoughts may look something like; “Maybe she is right” or “I didn’t know that I made him feel that way”

The anger part comes in when we feel awful for what we have done and how we hurt others in our life. The anger also comes because no one likes to feel attacked and confronted. The truth has a way of being confrontational and challenging our egos. We want to fight back and defend ourselves, mostly this is a primal reaction. Truth hurts sometimes.

Looking at this through the lens of porn addiction and our lives, the truth will indeed piss off both parties! You are the spouse that finds your husband’s internet history includes frequent visits to a porn site. The initial reaction to this truth is anger! “Why is he spending hours on porn sites?” “Am I not good enough for him?” “Does he find me unattractive?”

Now on the other side of this situation is the husband who looks at porn and is confronted by his wife. She has evidence of your visits to porn sites and confronts him about it. This is a hard truth to admit to! In fact it is gonna get him angry! When confronted with the hurt he has caused her and the sin in his own life, it will make him defensive and anger will swell. Some of his thoughts may be some of these: “How could I be so stupid?” “What the heck is the matter with me?” “She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.” “I know that what I’ve done is wrong, but I can’t stop.”

Truth hurts on both sides of the equation. It’s going to piss you off! When you are the one who has to confront someone with painful truth, do it in love. Confronting someone in love is doing it for their own good and not out of any self-serving interests. If you approach the situation with the attitude of “I’m going to really give it to him, what a hypocrite he is and he needs to be taken down a few notches.” Or “I have every right to let him have it because of what he has done to me.” Those are not speaking the truth in love. If you have this in mind; “Man, this really hurts, but he needs to know, I don’t want him to continue to live defeated by sin.”

When you are on the receiving end of the truth, try to control your anger and look at this as an opportunity to admit to the things you have done. The other person may not be 100% true or they are and you are not ready to admit to it. Truth will only set you free when you acknowledge it and then take to heart what it is trying to teach you.

Truth sets you free when a hidden thing is out in the open and exposed to the light. Sin grows in the darkness and makes you it’s slave. You do not realize the power it has over you until you expose it and experience freedom! This may sound foreign and crazy, but I know first-hand how admitting sin and exposing it will kill it and set you free.

Give this a try and tell me if I’m not right. Admit to something you have been hiding from everyone. It doesn’t have to be a huge sin to start, but acknowledge you’ve been hiding from the truth about yourself and need to tell someone. Get it out in the open with a good friend, pastor or counselor. Freedom will come to you over this!

I want to hear your stories of being set free by the truth. Tell your story in the comment section below or hit my contact page. Get it off your chest here to a group of non-judgmental people who will treat you with love.

 

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Evidence of Her Husband’s Porn Stash

Reader Question regarding her husband’s Porn Stash on his device.

Mary asks if his stash of images and videos is on his personal Sansa media device.

evidence husband porn stash

I have found tons of evidence of porn watching and voyeurism from myhusband. This has been going on for years, I have decided to leave himbut before I do I want to show him everything I found. I asked to seehis Sansa Fuzzy because I found out he had one. He says there is onlymusic and no porn or pictures. The memory card is missing and I wouldbet my life he down loaded on it and hid the card. AM I RIGHT? Itonly had music on there but I know he still is watching it. ~Mary

 

Mary, I think that his secrecy and protection of his Sansa device may indicate he is using it to watch porn. I understand privacy and all, but anyone who hides or is overprotective of their iPod, cell phone or other device from their spouse is probably hiding something.

I’m guessing that the memory card is what the movies are stored on and the Sansa won’t work without it. He is clever in hiding the memory card, but whatcomputer is he using to download the movies from onto the card? If you need concrete proof, find that computer.

You say you have decided to leave him and want to show him everything you havefound. It sounds like his Sansa is one piece of evidence you have against him. Does he think that you don’t know about his porn watching? Has he been denying it all these years and now you have the evidence to confront him with?

I can see your point in the evidence gathering. You don’t want to be wrong inyour confrontation with him. When I suspected my wife was cheating on me I gathered some evidence from the computer and showed her. She had denied any wrong doing and the evidence I had was a bit sketchy. It was enough to confirm she was at least chatting with another man.

The evidence didn’t hold up and she was very angry at my spying on her to get that information. I believe she still holds that against me. Some good advice I received and will pass along to anyone reading this is that you shouldn’t spy or gather evidence until you decide what you are going to do oneway or the other. I knew she was chatting with another guy, but it burned me up inside because I couldn’t tell for sure one way or another if she was having an affair.

If he is using porn, what will you do with that information? Confront him andthen leave him? Help him enroll in a treatment program? If it’s not porn then why did you have your suspicions? Are you generally insecure or is he not trustworthy?

Mary, this doesn’t sound good for your relationship. I hope you have made theright decision. Good luck

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I am totally Addicted to Porn

Reader Question; I am totally addicted to Porn. How do I Defeat triggers that lead me to watch porn?

 

I now feel like I can’t stop. I am totally addicted. I try to stop but my triggers for watching porn are too strong. I like to watch movies and surf the internet. Every time I see something that’s sexual, it triggers me to watch porn. I try to stop but at that moment my addiction becomes too strong. I am trying to overcome my triggers. I really enjoy watching movies so I can’t give that up, but I have a weakness. I have been able to overcome having sexual thoughts but I can’t control myself once I see sexual content. If it’s a popup for an adult site, I have thought before of just closing it, but instead I spend a minute viewing it rather than closing it like i do with other popups. If I see an attractive woman, I keep watching… internet only and this makes me think of watching porn and masturbating. And I do it even though I tell myself that I must not. Anyway I need to defeat my trigger that only comes from the internet and movies. I am dependent on the internet and movies, so I can’t give them up. But if I defeat my triggers, then I won’t watch porn, because I never just decide to watch porn, I always and triggered by sexual content to go view it. It’s terrible, and i can’t stop, been this way for years now. ~Jacob

addicted to porn

Thanks for writing in Jacob. I can totally relate to your question as I know what you are going through. There was a time in my life when I would do the exact same thing with a trigger.

I like to relate a trigger to hitting the passing gear in your car. The next time you merge onto the highway or try to speed up and pass someone, notice what happens when you mash down the gas pedal. Stepping on the gas to pass someone does two things; it revs up the motor and drops the car into a lower gear. The combination of both of these things propels the car forward much faster than if you just gave it more gas.

A trigger will change gears in your mind and push your forward very quickly! This other gear is the one you use for lust which leads to masturbation. How do you avoid dropping into the lust gear?

When you encounter a trigger you must not let yourself switch to the lust gear. That gear is another thought pattern that you have developed over time. You’ve programmed yourself to see an attractive woman, and then you mash the gas pedal until your done taking care of yourself.

Lift off the gas! Once you see an attractive woman, you have a few seconds to decide what your next move is. At least for me it went like this; “oh, wow she looks fine and check out those @li$%&!” “I bet it would be a blast to… man, I wonder if I can find that scenario online..” Then I would be search the net for a porn site. After a while, I noticed that I was giving in to the slightest trigger and taking it all the way to using porn.

After seeing a well-built woman, I had about 3 seconds to decide what my next move was. I bet you have about the same amount of time to either mash down the gas pedal or lift off the gas.

Instead of mindlessly following your urges to mash down the gas, you must consciously put a stop to letting your mind go there. What I would do was get up and take a walk or hit the off button on the TV or computer. Take that thought captive and consider what you were thinking about doing. Get yourself out of that situation and into a new setting. If you make a habit of doing this, it gets easier each time and eventually attractive women will not cause this reaction. The key here is to use that 3 second pause and get your mind onto another subject and leave the room. Changing the subject in your mind is tough, but it must be practiced to win this battle.

Avoiding your triggers is another thing that will help. I only say this because the more often you act out, the deeper that behavior becomes burned into you. It is unrealistic to think avoiding your triggers alone will help, because sooner or later you will run into one and if you haven’t learned how to deal with them you will lose!

Part of getting out of the rut is to stop doing the same things that lead you there in the first place. Stop spending so much time watching movies and surfing the net! You say you are dependent on movies and the internet, but there are many forms of entertainment out there.

One of the things that helped me was to redirect my passion into a hobby. I took up remote controlled cars again like I had as a boy. It was exciting and gratifying to read about the latest technology and take a trip to the hobby shop. Jacob, let me know how these things work for you.

If anyone else has other suggestions for Jacob, please leave a comment below.

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How to Deal with the Porn Addict in your Life

His Porn Addiction & your Pain

He is addicted to porn & won’t talk to her about it!

the porn addiction he won't talk about

Today’s post comes from a real person who reached out for help.  I will be publishing more or these in the future and you will remain anonymous as did ‘Susan’.

 
I am dealing with a porn addict. I tried talking with him about it but got
nowhere. He looks at high school girls and suggests kinky stuff. I can’t
get my point across. I get cut off! Help! ~Susan
 

Susan, I am very sorry you are getting nowhere in trying to talk to him about this porn addiction he has. It is a very normal reaction to deny and deflect when you are confronted with sinful behavior or ways that you have wronged another person. It is also embarrassing to be confronted by your significant other with the fact that you watch porn and masturbate.

Those being said, you should be careful in how you approach him about it. If my wife comes at me in accusatory tones and is flat out angry, I am going into defensive mode and am totally shut down to hearing anything she has to say. On the other hand, if she keeps and even temperament and speaks to me with concern and caring in her voice, she will elicit a much open response from me.

I know that you have feelings of anger and betrayal stewing up inside you and can’t help yourself, but you won’t be able to help him until you talk to him on a level playing field and get him to open up about his porn use. Once he feels safe enough to talk about it, he might.

He might talk about it or may not. Some people won’t face the truth and will do everything to avoid it. As long as you are sure he is using porn, you have ground to stand on. If this is suspicion and you don’t have proof, then it’s his word against your accusations.

Either way, you can’t live with someone who is a porn addict but won’t confess to it, nor can you live with someone you suspect is using porn. In both instances you will harbor resentment against him and wind up destroying the relationship.

There is hope for him to kick this addiction!

Ask you own question here: porn addiction questions

What additional or differing advice would you give Susan? Please comment below.

 

 

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Masturbation Addiction – Stop Today

Masturbation Addiction - How to stop

Masturbation Addiction – Stop Today

Helpful tips for you to kick your masturbation addiction

 

Growing up as a young boy, I realized one day that it was pleasurable to play with myself.  Every young boy does it, but what happens when you get into a vicious cycle and find that you can’t stop?

The main reason you get addicted to masturbating is because of the pleasure it brings.  Who doesn’t like to feel good and get the release of energy and endorphines involved when you bring yourself to climax?  That very pleasure you receive is like a drug and you get hooked on it!  There are scientific studies that have compared illegal drugs to pornography and masturbation and found that they are nearly identical in the effects on your body.

No wonder it is so tough to kick a masturbation addiction!  If you are getting your high from masturbation how do you stop?  Masturbation Addiction - How to stop

First – outside of the pleasure it provides, why do you masturbate?

  • Are you bored?
  • Depressed?
  • Mostly Alone?
  • Anxious?
  • Relieving stress and tension?
  • Escaping from reality?

Identify your underlying reasons for masturbating and then get help and counteract them.  For instance, say you are bored; why not get out of the house and go somewhere?  If your depressed, seek medical attention from your doctor to see if you are a candidate for anti-depressants.

Second – After counteracting your reasons, remember where and when you masturbate

  • Do you go into bathroom & watch porn on your phone?
  • Is it when you are alone or spouse is out of the house?
  • Do you get up in the middle of the night or stay up late when others go to bed?
  • Is your office or computer in a private place which allows you privacy?

Figure out what situations and circumstances you exploit to get away and masturbate.  Once you know the different scenarios that trigger an episode, do something different.  Don’t go to be after your spouse.  Don’t take your phone into the restroom.

Third – Change your habits and enjoy some new hobbies and friends

  • Stop watching porn! – move your computer into a highly trafficked area
  • Keep yourself busy with family and friends; relationships will help you feel less depressed and lonely
  • Exercise and eat better; improving your well being will help you to feel better about yourself and release endorphins naturally
  • Take an evening class or study; book clubs, career centers, Bible studies
  • Go for a walk with your spouse or dog

Forth – Seek help from a spouse, friend, or counselor

  • Sometimes you just can’t do it alone; reach out for help
  • If your spouse is understanding, approach them
  • A nonjudgmental friend is a great person to keep your accountable
  • Find a counselor or therapist who specializes in compulsive addictive behaviors

Lastly, try not to get into self loathing as much as possible.  This is a touchy subject and lots of embarrassment goes along with it.  There are many who will tell you it’s normal and everybody does it, but for you something tells you it isn’t right.  Don’t listen to others who say that, but understand that what is OK for them is unhealthy for you.

In the journey to become free from masturbation addiction, you will fail.  Don’t give up!  Keep going and work towards sobriety for a healthier you!  Watch your relationships improve and your overall outlook on life get better.  You deserve more out of life and you can do it!

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