Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

Does it really matter whether we are physically intimate?


Last time we explored the different types of affairs and analyzed whether or not they were cheating.  I made the point that since the actions of the one made the other feel hurt and betrayed they were considered cheating.  Does the classification of actual cheating depend solely on the way the offended spouse’s feelings and reactions?

Whenever we think of cheating we generally consider the act to be mainly physical.  When someone says that he cheated on her, they usually mean he had sex with another woman.  That phrase is generally interpreted in the same way.

I think we could all agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse is indeed cheating.  Sex is the most intimate way that we humans can connect with each other.  There is an actual bonding at levels beyond just the physical.  There is an emotional and spiritual connection made.  When you have sex with someone you are giving yourself to them in the most vulnerable way humanly possible.  The exchange between the couple is physical, emotional and spiritual.

Let’s bring pornography up as it relates to having sex with someone.  Pornography does not connect you physically with someone, but it does connect you emotionally and spiritually.  Is Porn Cheating?

Every image gets seared into your mind.  The physical pleasure along with gratifying images makes them so hard to forget.  You loose your ability to emotionally connect with real people.  There are no emotions shared with pornography.  It is one sided where the person engaged in watching it will ‘treat’ the person in the video any way they please.  This treatment is many times abusive and objective.  This one way emotional exchange disconnects the user from interactions with real people.

The spiritual side of using pornography is one of the scariest.  I don’t know whether you give away some of your spirit or take on some dark spirit while using pornography.  I tend to lean towards taking on some evil spirits because it will start to change you.  Pornography is a dark world.  You enter in through enticing seemingly harmless images, but get dragged down into a dark place that will change you.  Anyhow, I hope you can see the reason I view pornography as cheating without even delving into the feelings of the spouse.

If you don’t have sexual relations outside of your marriage, but have real close intimate friendships with the opposite sex you are cheating.  I know that you might disagree with that statement, but hear me out.

Marriage bonds a couple together not only physically in sex, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  Yes the act of sex bonds in the same ways, but there is power in the bond of marriage.

God said that the two will become one when He speaks about marriage.  He was not just speaking about sex.  Believe it or not, God views a husband and wife as one, a unit.  You know the phrase – “My better half”.  There is a magical joining of the two in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

If a spouse seeks to emotionally join themselves to another person through relational intimacy, they are breaking one of the bonds of a marriage.  Our spouses were meant to be our closest companion on earth with whom we can share anything.  An emotional affair breaks that bond in the marriage and bonds with another.

I know what you may say – That’s just emotional, there is no spiritual and physical connection.  How many emotional affairs wind up turning into physical affairs?  I don’t know the statistics, but I would bet it is high.  If emotional affairs are not stopped, the natural progression is into sexual relations.

Now I realized that I did not yet touch on the feelings of hurt and betrayal experienced by the spouse of someone into pornography or having an emotional affair.  If you felt betrayed and hurt, does it matter what excuses or rational is used to explain to you that they did not actually cheat on you?  Does the technical definition of cheating sway your feelings?

In my case, you could have told me that my wife was not actually cheating.  I mean, she wasn’t sleeping with this other guy.  She was however having private conversations with someone I didn’t know.  It made me feel threatened, betrayed and hurt.  It did not matter one bit if she came out and said ‘But we are not sleeping together’.

The trust was broken.  Our bond of marriage was weakened.  She had attempted to give herself emotionally to another person instead of me.

What it boils down to is your relationship with your spouse.  If you love them, you would not want to hurt them, even unintentionally.  If anything you did was offensive to your spouse, love would make you want to stop those actions even if you felt you did nothing wrong.  My wife does love me because she stopped communications with this other man and was seriously sorry about it.

Maybe the real test of whether it is an affair or not is the impact it has on the bond of marriage.  If it does not weaken any of the bonds of marriage, then it is not cheating.  If the actions damage or seek to weaken any of the marriage bonds, then it is an affair.

The different types of cheating – Emotional Affair vs Using Pornography

emotional affair

Is there a difference between an Emotional Affair and Using Porn?


In my last post I started to address the issue of cheating on your spouse versus using pornography.  As I learned of alleged cheating of my wife, I recalled the time when I was viewing pornography.  She was hurt when she learned of this as I was of her.  Can the two be reasonably compared as one in the same?  I think we need to take a look at each one specifically.

Let’s first analyze the viewing of pornography.  Is viewing pornography cheating?  The person who is engaged in watching pornography will usually sneak away, view the material, and then sexually gratify himself.

The man in this example knows his wife would not approve of this behavior, so he finds a window of opportunity to be alone.  He will always destroy the evidence of his deed by hiding the materials and history.  The part where he sexually gratifies himself while looking at another woman would not sit well with his wife either.

emotional affair


Is this cheating?  In the man’s eyes he is only using this material to relieve tension or to escape the daily grind.  He still loves his wife and family and he is not actually involved with anyone else.  To the wife, this man does not find her attractive enough and does not long for her.  She is hurt that he seeks the intimacy of sex with strange women even if they are only in his make believe world and the intimacy is a lie.  He thinks this is normal behavior for a man, but she would feel betrayed and hurt if she found out.

Emotional cheating is when one spouse seeks out the confidence and close friendship of someone of the opposite sex.  This friendship may be known by the spouse, but they do not know the extent of the relationship.  Most of the time however, the spouse does not even know of this relationship.

The example of an emotional affair involves a woman who recently found an old friend on Facebook.  At first the woman and this man exchange a few messages over Facebook to catch up on life.  They then exchange email addresses and phone numbers and wind up talking to each other more frequently.  The woman likes this guy because he listens to her, pays her compliments and is generally upbeat.  They both wind up sharing personal struggles about their marriages and meet for coffee; all the while their spouses do not know about the relationship.

In the wife’s eyes, this guy is a good friend who provides an escape from the reality of life.  He doesn’t remind her of the bills to pay or housework to be done.  She really enjoys talking and spending time with him.  She still loves her husband, but finds a piece of her heart going out to the other guy.  The husband of this wife would not like the fact that his wife is covertly talking and meeting up with this other man.  His wife is not having sex with the other guy, but she is emotionally attached and sharing personal things that should only be reserved for her husband.

In both examples I try to show you the point of view from each person in the marriage.  We could argue the specifics on whether each situation is technically cheating.  She didn’t actually sleep with the other guy or he didn’t have sex with a real person, but does that matter if the spouse feels betrayed?  In my opinion, No.

I could argue all the day long that my viewing of pornography was not physical with anyone real.  Those women only helped me to achieve the end result which was sexual gratification.  Would that matter to my wife who feels hurt, betrayed and unattractive?  No.  I hurt her with my actions whether or not they were technically cheating and she feels cheated on.

How about the husband who learns of his wife’s sneaking around with this friend of the opposite sex?  She could argue up and down that he is only a friend, they never had sex, and the only reason she kept it from him was because she didn’t want him to be jealous over a friendship.  Do these arguments matter to the husband who feels hurt, betrayed and ineffective at meeting his wife’s needs?  No.  She hurt him with her actions and even though she did not technically cheat on him he feels cheated on.

Now am I saying that whether or not this is classified as cheating all depends on the feelings and reactions of the offended spouse?  We will explore that in our next post.

In the meantime, please feel free to leave your comments below.  I will respond personally to any questions or opinions you have on the matter.  I want to know your thoughts!!

Is pornography cheating? – Comparing using pornography to cheating or adultery

is pornography cheating

Is Pornography cheating or just an outlet for physical desires?


I woke up this morning and this question literally popped into my head.  Maybe it was due in part to the dream I had plus the situation that has come to light in my own life.  Anyway I seek to answer it for myself and for you the reader.

Is she cheating?

Why has this question come up?  Lately, I have come to learn that my wife has been flirting online with another man.  It has been by email and chatting on the computer for sure, maybe only online cheating.  I don’t know whether they have met in person as the emails question, but he does live awfully close. I honestly don’t know how far they have gone.


Why is my wife having an affair?

The discovery of this has hurt me deeply.  I feel betrayed, inadequate and angry.  Why is she seeking to go outside of our marriage?  What am I not doing for her that she seeks to get elsewhere?  Is it physical dissatisfaction?  Is it an emotional affair where she is trying to fill some deficit?  Perhaps it is for the excitement and the escape from life.

I don’t have any answers to these questions yet.  I have not confronted her with it.  Before I do, I need to get to the bottom of the question at hand:  Is using pornography cheating?  You see, I was using pornography since my teens and carried it into our marriage.  About six years ago I confessed my problem to my wife.

My past use of pornography.

Her reaction was to my revelation was relief, sympathetic and hurt.  The relief part came as I was trying to explain this and she began to think I was having an affair.  She was relieved to find out that was not true.  She was sympathetic regarding my background and how I started into pornography.  Lastly, she was hurt thinking about how I used these images of women instead of her, even she knew she wasn’t they cause of my problem.

Can you draw a correlation between cheating and pornography?

Now when I confront my wife about her friend, I know that she will relate it to my pornography use and how that hurt her.  If she is physically involved with this man, is it really comparable to using pornography?  Could you honestly use this as a defensive move if you were confronted about cheating?  What if she is only emotionally cheating, what then?

I want to really try and answer these questions for myself.  I want your help to sort this out.  Please leave your comments below.  Where do you stand on this?  What are your thoughts?