I am totally Addicted to Porn

Reader Question; I am totally addicted to Porn. How do I Defeat triggers that lead me to watch porn?

 

I now feel like I can’t stop. I am totally addicted. I try to stop but my triggers for watching porn are too strong. I like to watch movies and surf the internet. Every time I see something that’s sexual, it triggers me to watch porn. I try to stop but at that moment my addiction becomes too strong. I am trying to overcome my triggers. I really enjoy watching movies so I can’t give that up, but I have a weakness. I have been able to overcome having sexual thoughts but I can’t control myself once I see sexual content. If it’s a popup for an adult site, I have thought before of just closing it, but instead I spend a minute viewing it rather than closing it like i do with other popups. If I see an attractive woman, I keep watching… internet only and this makes me think of watching porn and masturbating. And I do it even though I tell myself that I must not. Anyway I need to defeat my trigger that only comes from the internet and movies. I am dependent on the internet and movies, so I can’t give them up. But if I defeat my triggers, then I won’t watch porn, because I never just decide to watch porn, I always and triggered by sexual content to go view it. It’s terrible, and i can’t stop, been this way for years now. ~Jacob

addicted to porn

Thanks for writing in Jacob. I can totally relate to your question as I know what you are going through. There was a time in my life when I would do the exact same thing with a trigger.

I like to relate a trigger to hitting the passing gear in your car. The next time you merge onto the highway or try to speed up and pass someone, notice what happens when you mash down the gas pedal. Stepping on the gas to pass someone does two things; it revs up the motor and drops the car into a lower gear. The combination of both of these things propels the car forward much faster than if you just gave it more gas.

A trigger will change gears in your mind and push your forward very quickly! This other gear is the one you use for lust which leads to masturbation. How do you avoid dropping into the lust gear?

When you encounter a trigger you must not let yourself switch to the lust gear. That gear is another thought pattern that you have developed over time. You’ve programmed yourself to see an attractive woman, and then you mash the gas pedal until your done taking care of yourself.

Lift off the gas! Once you see an attractive woman, you have a few seconds to decide what your next move is. At least for me it went like this; “oh, wow she looks fine and check out those @li$%&!” “I bet it would be a blast to… man, I wonder if I can find that scenario online..” Then I would be search the net for a porn site. After a while, I noticed that I was giving in to the slightest trigger and taking it all the way to using porn.

After seeing a well-built woman, I had about 3 seconds to decide what my next move was. I bet you have about the same amount of time to either mash down the gas pedal or lift off the gas.

Instead of mindlessly following your urges to mash down the gas, you must consciously put a stop to letting your mind go there. What I would do was get up and take a walk or hit the off button on the TV or computer. Take that thought captive and consider what you were thinking about doing. Get yourself out of that situation and into a new setting. If you make a habit of doing this, it gets easier each time and eventually attractive women will not cause this reaction. The key here is to use that 3 second pause and get your mind onto another subject and leave the room. Changing the subject in your mind is tough, but it must be practiced to win this battle.

Avoiding your triggers is another thing that will help. I only say this because the more often you act out, the deeper that behavior becomes burned into you. It is unrealistic to think avoiding your triggers alone will help, because sooner or later you will run into one and if you haven’t learned how to deal with them you will lose!

Part of getting out of the rut is to stop doing the same things that lead you there in the first place. Stop spending so much time watching movies and surfing the net! You say you are dependent on movies and the internet, but there are many forms of entertainment out there.

One of the things that helped me was to redirect my passion into a hobby. I took up remote controlled cars again like I had as a boy. It was exciting and gratifying to read about the latest technology and take a trip to the hobby shop. Jacob, let me know how these things work for you.

If anyone else has other suggestions for Jacob, please leave a comment below.

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Cleveland Kidnapper; Sex & Porn Addict

the house of sex addict ariel castro
Ariel Castro admitted porn addict

Admitted porn addict Ariel Castro

 

 

Wow – This week was a big news week in Cleveland.  Three girls who have been missing for ten years were found inside a Seymour Avenue home on Cleveland’s west side.

My wife was on the computer and told me the breaking news:  “Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus were both rescued from the same house!”  I couldn’t believe it.  Being a resident of the greater Cleveland area, I have seen the news stories on the vigils and leads over the years on these two girls who were abducted.  Gina and Amanda’s families were vigilant in keeping these girl’s stories alive in the neighborhood and media over the years.  If you live in Cleveland you could not help but know the stories of these young ladies.

I was very happy to hear such good news!  They were found alive and returned to their families.  All three women will need lots of prayers for healing of such trauma they have experienced.

There has been much news this past week on Ariel Castro, the alleged kidnapper and captor.  What a normal guy he was to those he interacted with!  He was the guy who visited neighborhood barbecues and performed in the local salsa band.  Who would have ever suspected the dark side this guy hid from everyone?

I have said to many people that I believe anyone is capable of anything.  Story after story, you see people interviewed on the news that say something like – “I never would have suspected this guy was into this.”

Double lives- we can be the church going, civic volunteer on the outside, but inside we hide our demons of sexual addiction and violence.  What a dichotomy!

We all do this to some extent.  We put on these masks to hide our real feelings, hurt and addictions.  Behind closed doors people hide the shame of that person they wish they really weren’t.  Sometimes this other person is a polar opposite of who they wish they were, but other times, it is embraced.

Mr. Castro admitted to having a sex addiction which led to his kidnapping and holding these three woman hostage.  They were his sex slaves held for his own pleasure.  How sick is that?

A guy just doesn’t go out and do this on a whim, he works his way up to doing something as drastic as this.  I hypothesize that he was a voracious porn addict that drifted down the addiction trail of increasingly extreme sex acts that he had to take to the outside to keep up that ‘buzz’ that pornography once gave him. (see my post on the progression of porn addiction)

I would say that he started with pornography and worked his way up to the point where he needed extreme sex to satisfy his cravings.  As the news keeps coming out, I would be really surprised if they don’t find any pornography in this guy’s house and on his computer.  Not just ‘normal’ porn, but extreme stuff such as children and animals.

Let’s see if my suspicions are correct.  Even if they prove to be untrue, this should serve as a warning to pornography addicts out there.  You never know how far you will go with this addiction until you can’t turn back and have gone too far.  Don’t let this happen to you.

 

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Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

Does it really matter whether we are physically intimate?

 

Last time we explored the different types of affairs and analyzed whether or not they were cheating.  I made the point that since the actions of the one made the other feel hurt and betrayed they were considered cheating.  Does the classification of actual cheating depend solely on the way the offended spouse’s feelings and reactions?

Whenever we think of cheating we generally consider the act to be mainly physical.  When someone says that he cheated on her, they usually mean he had sex with another woman.  That phrase is generally interpreted in the same way.

I think we could all agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse is indeed cheating.  Sex is the most intimate way that we humans can connect with each other.  There is an actual bonding at levels beyond just the physical.  There is an emotional and spiritual connection made.  When you have sex with someone you are giving yourself to them in the most vulnerable way humanly possible.  The exchange between the couple is physical, emotional and spiritual.

Let’s bring pornography up as it relates to having sex with someone.  Pornography does not connect you physically with someone, but it does connect you emotionally and spiritually.  Is Porn Cheating?

Every image gets seared into your mind.  The physical pleasure along with gratifying images makes them so hard to forget.  You loose your ability to emotionally connect with real people.  There are no emotions shared with pornography.  It is one sided where the person engaged in watching it will ‘treat’ the person in the video any way they please.  This treatment is many times abusive and objective.  This one way emotional exchange disconnects the user from interactions with real people.

The spiritual side of using pornography is one of the scariest.  I don’t know whether you give away some of your spirit or take on some dark spirit while using pornography.  I tend to lean towards taking on some evil spirits because it will start to change you.  Pornography is a dark world.  You enter in through enticing seemingly harmless images, but get dragged down into a dark place that will change you.  Anyhow, I hope you can see the reason I view pornography as cheating without even delving into the feelings of the spouse.

If you don’t have sexual relations outside of your marriage, but have real close intimate friendships with the opposite sex you are cheating.  I know that you might disagree with that statement, but hear me out.

Marriage bonds a couple together not only physically in sex, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  Yes the act of sex bonds in the same ways, but there is power in the bond of marriage.

God said that the two will become one when He speaks about marriage.  He was not just speaking about sex.  Believe it or not, God views a husband and wife as one, a unit.  You know the phrase – “My better half”.  There is a magical joining of the two in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

If a spouse seeks to emotionally join themselves to another person through relational intimacy, they are breaking one of the bonds of a marriage.  Our spouses were meant to be our closest companion on earth with whom we can share anything.  An emotional affair breaks that bond in the marriage and bonds with another.

I know what you may say – That’s just emotional, there is no spiritual and physical connection.  How many emotional affairs wind up turning into physical affairs?  I don’t know the statistics, but I would bet it is high.  If emotional affairs are not stopped, the natural progression is into sexual relations.

Now I realized that I did not yet touch on the feelings of hurt and betrayal experienced by the spouse of someone into pornography or having an emotional affair.  If you felt betrayed and hurt, does it matter what excuses or rational is used to explain to you that they did not actually cheat on you?  Does the technical definition of cheating sway your feelings?

In my case, you could have told me that my wife was not actually cheating.  I mean, she wasn’t sleeping with this other guy.  She was however having private conversations with someone I didn’t know.  It made me feel threatened, betrayed and hurt.  It did not matter one bit if she came out and said ‘But we are not sleeping together’.

The trust was broken.  Our bond of marriage was weakened.  She had attempted to give herself emotionally to another person instead of me.

What it boils down to is your relationship with your spouse.  If you love them, you would not want to hurt them, even unintentionally.  If anything you did was offensive to your spouse, love would make you want to stop those actions even if you felt you did nothing wrong.  My wife does love me because she stopped communications with this other man and was seriously sorry about it.

Maybe the real test of whether it is an affair or not is the impact it has on the bond of marriage.  If it does not weaken any of the bonds of marriage, then it is not cheating.  If the actions damage or seek to weaken any of the marriage bonds, then it is an affair.

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Christian Pornography Addiction – Men and Women

Christian Pornography Addiction – Men & Women admit their struggles

I like to share some good vidoes when I come across them.  This one depicts Christian men and women who admit to being addicted to pornography.  Refer back to my post on the steps to overcome an addiction to porn.

These men and women enrolled in the setting captives free program – One which I highly recommend.  Please watch and leave your comments below

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What to do – getting caught masturbating with pornography

getting caught masturbating

The ultimate in embarrassment – getting caught masturbating with pornography

 

You are flirting with disaster if you are engaged in pornography.  Pornography has many side effects to those who use it and those related to the user.  Sooner or later you will get caught!

Even if you clear your internet browsing history or you have a secret folder on your computer you will eventually get caught.  The most diligent and mindful person will eventually leave a trail.  Come on, you watch those real life crime shows – the criminal always gets caught. 

I was caught as a teenager by my friend.  How embarrassing it was!  I had my magazines out and a knock on my basement window.. you get the idea.  Read more about my struggle with porn addiction in my free ebook.

I don’t care how sneaky or brilliant you are at covering up your tracks or using a proxy.  The more you use pornography, the greater the risk.  Someone will walk in on you or discover your secret stash.  You will be found out.

So what are you going to do when you get caught?  That day when your wife finds your internet history what will you say to her?  When your boss confronts you with the internet sites you visited on company time how will you defend yourself?

Take preemptive action today – Decide you are going to stop and seek some help.  You may be addicted to pornography, check against my list of signs you’re addicted to porn.  Go ahead and trash your stash.  If that means reformatting your hard drive, do it.  Erase all tracks and files now.  Read – the first step to quitting pornography

If you do not wish to take preemptive action and quit pornography today, then here is what you need to do when you get caught.

Admit to watching the pornography – Don’t give some lame excuse that someone else was using your computer or that those are not my files.  Lying will only complicate things. I know you are embarrassed to admit to it, but you need to fess up.

Don’t blame anyone else for your actions – You have not been watching porn because she doesn’t pay attention to you as much as she used to or because she has gained a few pounds.  Get real.  You have been a selfish little jerk.  Pornography turns you on and you knew she wouldn’t have approved of your watching it.  This is why you have been hiding it!  Don’t blame her or anyone else for something you chose to do.

Listen to his/her feelings – You need to shut up and let the other person explain how your behavior has made them feel.  This will not be pretty and you will get your head handed to you, but you are not in a position to disregard or downplay their feelings.  Whether you want to admit to it or not, you have betrayed their trust and intimacy.  You have made them feel inadequate and unworthy.  Take your licks and listen.

Seek some good counsel and enroll into an addiction program – get a hold of some pornography counseling contacts and inquire about the process they employ.  Do this with your spouse.  Get her involved in this process so she is aware of what you will be doing and understands what is going to happen.  It won’t be easy for either of you.  Rough times are ahead, so decide that you will push through them and on the other side things will be better.

Just remember, you will get caught one day.  It’s best to be preemptive and quit now!  The Bible says that your sin will find you out.  While you think you are getting away with it and there are no consequences, eventually it will catch up to you. 

What do you think?  I welcome your thoughts and questions below.

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Teenagers Growing up with Pornography as a Norm

Recently it seems that there are many articles out there about teenagers addicted to pornography.  It always gets me thinking about what these kids believe to be truth and what is normal in regards to porn and sex.

Kids growing up now know the following to be true and normal:

  • Pornography is everywhere
  • Pornography is a normal way to learn about sex
  • Pornography is acceptable to use when anytime you get sexual urges
  • Women know that everyone uses porn and they are OK with it
  • Women can satisfy their man by acting like a porn star
  • Frequent pornography use is normal and there are no side effect

It is sad really.  Many kids today have parents that buy into the progressive thinking of today and don’t monitor what their kids do on the internet.  Pornography is freedom of speech to them and even healthy for them to use.  We can’t censor what our kids consume they say, kids have their rights you know.

How very destructive this is for them!  These kids will grow up to be adults who can’t relate intimately with one another.  They will be selfish seeking their own gratification  and needs instead of trying to serve their mate.  Their libidos will be burned out from countless images and climaxes burned into their memories.  Sexual intimacy will not be enjoyed like it was meant to be.

With this new normalcy, will they even realize the damage it has done?  Will the drug industry come out with new drugs to bring back burned out libidos and sexual dysfunction?  How much worse could they slide morally?

Other articles you may like:

Why pornography is addictive

The side effects of using pornography

 

 

 

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